Monday, 12 August 2013


This week's FIGHT is written by Matt Edwards.

People do all sorts of strange things in and with rubber. Here are some rubber ruminations:
  • Rolling in rubber.
  • Rubbing in rubber.
  • Grinding in rubber.
  • Rubber wear.
  • Rubber where?
  • Rubber bondage.
  • Rubber mask.
  • Do you have any rubber, he politely asked.
  • Rubber wiped clean.
  • Rubber mistresses are mean.
  • Rubber man.
  • Rubber woman.
  • Rubber sea monster versus rubber human.
  • Rubbing out.
  • Rubber spout.
  • Rubber dub dub.
  • Rubber friends from a rubber club.
  • Rubber rubber rubber, Robin Williams in Flubber.
  • Rubber ducks.
  • Rubber sluts.
  • Rubber things in peoples’ butts.

Those were just examples. Obviously we’re not trying to bait seedy Googlers by including these terms in the blog.

Sexual deviants believe they’ve got a monopoly on rubber use? Well think again, perverts, because the world of cinema has been wrapping people in rubber for years, too.

The difference?

In the movies, people put on rubber to inhabit a role, to become someone else. If you’re Eddie Murphy, you may even become several other people all at the same time.

Such is the magic of Eddie Murphy.
And sometimes the rubber beings from the films fight each other for our entertainment.





Martin Lawrence IS an old lady. Well, Martin Lawrence IS actually an undercover cop, but that’s nowhere near as hilarious as a MAN dressed as a WOMAN. Not content with cleverly subverting our understanding of gender, Lawrence further confounds expectations by playing an OLD woman, even though he’s actually quite young! This is why Lawrence is regarded as a progressive, challenging comedian. It’s also why the Big Momma’s House franchise is regarded as the thinking man’s fat suit comedy.

It’s also worth noting here that this is just a fictional film and that there has never been a real (Google search baiting alert!) Martin Lawrence transvestite sex scandal.

Big Momma is Martin Lawrence’s undercover persona. He gets dressed up like an obese old lady, becomes very friendly with a family, protects them from a criminal and then becomes broken-hearted after they react unfavourably to his long running deception. Then he gains their forgiveness before mounting the most attractive family member.

Godzilla is a giant lizard warrior beast. He’s bigger than most buildings, clumsy and full of violence. He emerged from the ocean near Japan, the result of inappropriate nuclear activity, and took to destroying cities for a laugh. Unless you’re into the 1994 US version of Godzilla. The original character was created as a reaction to the US use of nuclear weapons in Japan. When Roland Emmerich and co were faced with coming up with their own explanation for Godzilla’s existence in 90’s New York, they quite reasonably shrugged at each other for four minutes before deciding to just blame the French.

Godzilla sometimes likes to smash places to pieces and other times he likes to protect places from giant space monsters. Godzilla always leaves a trail of destruction, though, due to his tail, which is (Google search baiting alert!) big, scaly and phallic.


Big Momma carries a gun at all times, because, unsurprisingly, a lot of us respond to Martin Lawrence’s dragged-up faux-bloated character with uncontrollable aggression. As an undercover cop, the character needs to be ready for any villains he might encounter. Of course, he doesn’t want to blow his cover, as his carefully crafted look and alternative identity have everyone fooled, so discretion is of importance. He conceals a small handgun about his britches, which is an appropriate weapon when you’re dealing with drug moguls or hired henchmen. Of course, handguns have previously failed to (Google search baiting alert!) bring Godzilla to his knees.

As far as Godzilla packing heat – his head is full of fire. When Godzilla feels the urge, he clears his throat and projectile vomits flames. Hell, even without his fire breath, his tail is a weapon capable of killing hundreds with single twinge. Rumour has it that his sole attempt at dancing the Gangnam left thousands dead.


Big Momma has the support of the police. Well, some of the police. There’s no doubt his disregard for the rules and ‘get the job done by any means necessary’ attitude will have ruffled some feathers back at the station. Still, his cheeky sense of humour will have endeared him to most and in a fight with a giant, city-shattering beast, it’s likely that even Big Momma’s most put-upon colleagues would side with the heavily padded titter-monger.

As of his most recent sequel, Big Momma can also rely on the support of his son, who you will also find kitted out from head to toe in clothing and make up that makes him look like a lady.

On the subject of offspring, we might consider that Manilla, Godzilla’s rambunctious son, would have Godzilla’s back. However, that feels largely irrelevant in this instance, as Godzilla is a giant monster fighting a man dressed up as a grandmother. It’s hard to imagine what Manilla might be able to do to Big Momma that Godzilla can’t already achieve, unless it’s utilising his smaller size to (Google search baiting alert!) desecrate the resultant corpse.

Over Godzilla’s long history he’s had many powerful allies. Perhaps none more dangerous than Matthew Broderick. Still, when we’re thinking about Godzilla’s back, I can’t help but feel less concerned about who has it than I am about what’s on it. Because lining Godzilla’s back are jagged shard-like spikamathings. Each one is bigger than Big Momma. So, in other words, Godzilla's back has his own back so it doesn’t much matter if anyone else does.


There are a couple of interesting factors to consider in this one. For a start, there’s the psychological element of battle. Big Momma’s whole existence is a tribute to surprise attacks. When Godzilla sets eyes on Big Momma, will he perceive a threat or a kindly old lady? Another element of fighting is clouding an opponent’s mind with anger. MMA fighter Frank Shamrock has expressed his disbelief at being trash-talked by opponent Nick Diaz during a fight. Indeed, Diaz is renowned for getting into his opponents head by insulting them mid-fight. How will Godzilla react when, in the throes of a brawl, Big Momma says something so painfully stupid and unfunny that we all feel insulted? If Big Momma gets into Godzilla’s head, how will it affect him?

Styles make fights, though and in every way imaginable, Godzilla is a stylistic nightmare for Big Momma. So Big Momma likes to surprise opponents? Godzilla indiscriminately lays waste to anyone or anything in his path. Big Momma clouds the minds of opponents by being just awful? When Godzilla becomes irritated he hawks hundreds of degrees of heat into your face.

Godzilla also has a significant size advantage.

Both are prone to sequels, suggesting that even if you are able to put one of these fighters on the ropes, you will have to (Google search baiting alert!) put some significant effort forth to bring them to an end.


They square off. Godzilla; bigger than a sky scraper. Big Momma; a regularly sized man dressed as a spunky old lady.

Oh my goodness! Godzilla, you are two kinds of crazy!” hollers Big Momma.

Godzilla lets out an anguished scream. Big Momma is SO annoying. Worse than nuclear war. Godzilla opens his mouth and unleashes a monsoon of fire. Big Momma is engulfed within it. Out of sight, unheard over the (Google search baiting alert!) horrified screams from onlookers.

After around a full, minute long barrage of mouth-fire, Godzilla relents. Big Momma is a mess of melted rubber and charred human. Godzilla blaze-burps again. Another full minute. When he stops, Big Momma’s leftovers are even more...unsightly.

Big Momma is dead.

Godzilla breathes more fire on Big Momma anyway.



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