THEY PACKING MUCH HEAT?
Pat is not packing much heat. His main weapons are his ability to run you over (although in a van heavily marked with insignia in a rural area, chances are he'd not be able to blag an alibi) or to give you a nasty paper cut.
Sam also has access to large vehicles but they are also heavily marked. Alternatively, he could blast you with a high pressure hose, cave your skull in with a full fire extinguisher, or simply leave you in a burning house to die.
THEIR BACK: WHO HAS IT?
In rural village life, everyone knows each other and forgives their scrape-instigating foibles. Delivering a public service means that both men are well known and well liked in their communities and so any ensuing scrap between the two of them would likely involve whole villages. In many ways it may resemble an early iteration of football, only without the pretence of their being a ball involved.
Pat has a happy family life, whereas Sam only has his niece and nephew. Therefore Pat has extra reason to fight, because no-one really cares about nieces and nephews.
NUANCES AND WHATNOT
- PAT 1 (Royal Mail Post Van)
- PAT 2 (Royal Mail Post Bus (now the school transport))
- PAT 2 (SDS Lorry)
- PAT 3 (SDS Helicopter)
- PAT 4 (SDS Post Van)
- PAT 5 (SDS Motorbike and Sidecar)
- PAT 6 (SDS BOAT)
- PAT 7 (PAT OFF ROAD 4+4)
Sam has access to the following vehicles:
- Jupiter (a 1974
(a heritage fire engine)
(a rescue tender)
1 (a helicopter used for mountain rescue)
Also, he shares a name with a Doctor Who companion from the Eighth Doctor Adventures line, and his mum shares a name with Tenth Doctor TV companion Martha Jones.
That noise you hear is some wrong, wrong slash-fic being written.
IT'S CLOBBERING TIME
Sam and his friend Elvis are having a nice evening together, enjoying heterosexual mantimes at the pub.
'I can't believe it! Your last day before retirement passed so peacefully!'
'Yeah,' says Elvis, 'It's good to get away from things. Time for a proper lads weekend.'
'You think that Penny and Station Officer Steel will be alright?' says Sam.
'Of course,' replies Elvis. 'Steel's an old hand, and Penny's an amazing woman.'
The two old friends drink long into the night, almost until 8pm, when their revelry is interrupted by desperate cry:
'CAT! THERE'S A CAT UP A TREE!' cries a paint-brush haired man with a rugged moustache. He faints behind the bar, and is given a sachet of salt to smell. Elvis stands up, his chair screeching against the floor.
'Leave this to me,' he says, 'I'm a fireman see?'
Sam follows his friend out of the bar as he staggers over to the tree. A black and white cat mews forlornly. The air is tense, the clouds starting to spitter-spatter the ground with rain.
'Elvis, come on, you don't have to do this,' says Pat, putting a restraining hand on his chum's shoulder. It is shrugged off.
'Nah, Sam, c'mon, it'll...it'll be fine.'
Elvis takes his denim coat off and hands it to Sam. Then, lithe, agile, more muscley than you'd expect, he leaps onto the trunk and hauls himself upwards. The little cat mews again, as if to say 'No, don't bother. All is dust.'
The rain pummels down as Elvis climbs up the dark, gnarled branches of the unnecessarily evil looking tree.
'Elvis, mate, come down,' yells Sam, 'It can jump off that branch onto that roof if it wants.'
A tall, bespectacled, curly-haired man is scouring the street, hand cupped by his mouth. Sam puts two and two together using his incisive inventor's mind.
'That your cat, boyo?' he asks.
'Oh yes, there he is! I left the catflap on the latch. The wife'll kill me! JESS! Come down here this instant!'
Elvis has reached the furtive feline and is holding it away from his face as it claws and scratches at him.
'This yours, cock?' he asks. 'Come on, catch!'
Elvis throws Jess off the tree and into the outstretched arms of Postman Pat.
'Oh Jess!' Pat snuggles up to his now docile pet, sheltering him from the rain. The onlookers who have braved the elements go “aww” in appreciation. Sam looks up at his best friend in the whole wide world, who winks and gives him the thumbs up from his position standing on the branch of the tree.
The first lightning bolt hits the trunk and it explodes in a shower of sparks and bark. Sam shields his face with Elvis' jacket as shrapnel impacts. The second bolt strikes the upper branches. As his best friend is torn and burned apart by the debris, the last thing Fireman Sam hears is an agonised scream, before the severed forearm of his best mate twats him in the temple and knocks him unconscious.