Monday, 15 July 2013


To savour a fight, we need to be in peak condition both physically and mentally.

How, then, are we to partake of FIGHTING as often as is medically recommended 
(five times a day)?

Why, through fighting each other in abstract ways of course.

There are numerous examples of things called 'Games' in the world. 

Don't be fooled by such terminology.

They are methadone to fighting's heroin.





The Rock (aka Flex Kavana/Dwayne Johnson/Rocky Maivia) is a wrassler. He wrassles. Sweating, oiled men in leather nappies grapple with each other in the ring. It's excellent children's entertainment. 

Paper Mario is like Normal Mario only he's very thin. Rather than go to hospital, he embarks on missions to rescue Princess Peach from Bowser because one of these days it'll be totally worth it. I mean, it's not like it happens all the bloody time and no-one ever learns any decent security-measures as a result, unless this is some sort of long-term gambit on Mario's part where he pays Bowser to kidnap the Princess so he can rescue her and possibly become romantically involved. That would be weird.

Edward Scissorhands is an artificial man, possibly immortal, who was left with scissors for hands after his inventor dies of a heart attack before he could finish his work. Because people are essentially cruel, he was never known as 'Edward Normaleverythingelsebutreallyhandsarequiteimportantyou'd


The Rock is essentially just one giant muscle. He can out-act, out-fight, and out-go-on-a-family-friendly-adventure any other living being.

Mario has a hammer, although his ability in combat is dependent on his star and flower points, and also his timing in potential button mashing situations.

Edward Scissorhands is essentially a gentle creature, but he does have scissors for hands and a desire to punish those who wrong Winona Ryder. Heaven help you if you're a store detective with only one shift to go before retirement.


The Rock has alienated many of his companions from the world of wrassling, by being brimful of chutzpah and heading up the rankings with all the alacrity of a greased urchin escaping a discipline via a convenient chimney. Wrassling isn't really about teamwork at the end of the day, more about wrassling your opponent until he's just a sweaty man-mass writhing under your control. As a result The Rock's wrassling chums are possibly more likely to betray and hinder him. Just look at Mr Ass.

Paper Mario assembles a team along the course of his adventures, all of whom have abilities that enable victory over specific foes, terrain and frequencies of light. Of course, take them out of the context of the Mario universe and these might be less impressive, but they're doshgarned useful while you're there. Not Luigi though, he stays at home, cranking something rotten.

Edward can only really rely on those close to him, as due to his appearance many are immediately suspicious and fearful of him. Ultimately it turns out that he would be alone, as the world was not made for one as scissorhanded as him.


The Rock has such charisma, twould be a shame if it were not given a larger platform than the world of wrassling to showcase it. Alas, twas twot two twe.

Also, he sometimes looks like famous pitiful hate-figure, Rob Schneider.

Paper Mario is different from normal Mario due to his paper thin constitution. The fact that the whole 'Everything's made of paper' thing isn't explained at any point, it's no big deal.

Edward has killed, which stands him in good stead for any unlikely fighting scenario, but then again Paper Mario has probably killed the most creatures out of any of these beings. Plus, with his papery, fibrous surface, you could totally use him to write hurtful things about your enemies on.


Paper Mario doesn't like the look of this.

Goombario tells him that the huge guy can get away with breaking people's spines through sheer charm, and the pale creature's digits are snip-snip-snipping nervously, like he might lash out at the cruel world he's found himself in. The brush of metal against metal shrieks quietly and makes Paper Mario think twice about taking him on first.

Paper Mario considers his options. Who else does he have as backup?

Thanks Wikipedia. Thikipedia. Thanks Look Around You. Thook Around You.

Paper Mario decides that his best chance of success it to attack the Rock. His friends form the initial attack wave, and so Paper Mario utilises the chance provided by the Rock systematically stuffing all of his friends into a hollowed out turtle shell and punting it into a spike. His best chance, Mario reckons, is to utilise his two-dimensional paperyness to smother the Rock in a deadly embrace.

It's on. Paper Mario pounces.

The Rock reels. Then notices that it isn't a moth, it's a weird sliver of plumber clinging to his leg. Paper Mario mis-timed his attack, and landed on a limb that is non-essential to the Rock's continued respiration. The Rock grins. Sparks and starshine are emitted from his teeth, and he uses this to set some dry grass alight.

The Rock is a hard man, in every sense of the word. His grin does not waver as his shin is singed by the screaming death throes of a flat Italian hero. The Rock shakes his leg, and the ashes fall to the ground. Some of them go inside his sock though. This is why you should never wear socks with your battle sandals, no matter how manly you are in the presence of burning hot ash.

Now for the guy dressed as Robert Smith cameoing in Tron, thinks the Rock.

Edward Scissorhands is looking lost and forlorn in this place of combat. He doesn't like it here, in this place he can't be bothered generating descriptive prose for. He wants to be back with his sculptures. Instead, he's got this man with flaming footwear approaching him with a familiar look in his eye. This does not bode well for Edward, but then again what has he got to lose?

The Rock advances. ignores all these things. The best form of defence is to kill everything else in the universe. A mighty foot is raised, ready to smash down onto Edward's solar plexus. Alas, Mr Scissorhands has been sculpting for many years, and also has scissors for hands. He is lightning fast. Skin and flesh rain down around them like moist confetti. The Rock raises an eyebrow as he notes that the bones of his foot are now exposed.

Unfortunately for Edward, Paper Mario had mushroom residue on his feet.

The smoking remains of Mario are inhaled by Edward, blunting his senses, making him hallucinate. He sees his lost love, and his creator, as they merge into one being and then rain down on him as a normal-handed child. He skips through a meadow of monochrome, rusty blades, dousing petrol over everything as the sky boils. Then he imagines a dragon who refuses to take no for an answer, and remembers the basic protocols of installing a fresh u-bend.

Edward is delighted by these delusions, and claps like a happy child. This renders him 'armless.

The Rock, meanwhile, has tied his opponent up and set his hair on fire. He uses the soon-roasting body to cauterise his wounds. Edward barely notices any of this.

The Rock is a hard man, in every sense of the word.



FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! will return in:


If you have any suggestions for who you'd like to see square go each other in future FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! articles, please mention them below.

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