This blog celebrates the art of waking up with your enemy's blood on your face by pitching fictional characters against each other to decide once and for all who is supreme. There are fifty FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!s present for your consumption and education. Go nuts.
Monday, 15 July 2013
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! #40
To savour a fight, we need to be in
peak condition both physically and mentally.
How, then, are we to partake of
FIGHTING as often as is medically recommended
(five times a day)?
Why, through fighting each other in
abstract ways of course.
There are numerous examples of
things called 'Games' in the world.
Don't be fooled by such
They are methadone to fighting's
PAPER MARIO VS EDWARD SCISSORHANDS
WHO THEY THEN?
The Rock (aka Flex Kavana/Dwayne Johnson/Rocky Maivia) is a wrassler. He
wrassles. Sweating, oiled men in leather nappies grapple with each
other in the ring. It's excellent children's entertainment.
Paper Mario is like Normal Mario only he's very thin. Rather than go to
hospital, he embarks on missions to rescue Princess Peach from Bowser
because one of these days it'll be totally worth it. I mean, it's not
like it happens all the bloody time and no-one ever learns any decent
security-measures as a result, unless this is some sort of long-term
gambit on Mario's part where he pays Bowser to kidnap the Princess so
he can rescue her and possibly become romantically involved. That
would be weird.
Edward Scissorhands is an artificial man, possibly immortal, who was left
with scissors for hands after his inventor dies of a heart attack
before he could finish his work. Because people are essentially
cruel, he was never known as 'Edward Normaleverythingelsebutreallyhandsarequiteimportantyou'd thinkthattheywouldn'tbelefttillastbutthereyougosomepeopleIdon'tknowhonestly.
has a hammer, although his ability in combat is dependent on his star
and flower points, and also his timing in potential button mashing
Scissorhands is essentially a gentle creature, but he does have
scissors for hands and a desire to punish those who wrong Winona Ryder. Heaven help you if you're a store detective with only one
shift to go before retirement.
THEIR BACK: WHO HAS IT?
Rock has alienated many of his companions from the world of
wrassling, by being brimful of chutzpah and heading up the rankings
with all the alacrity of a greased urchin escaping a discipline via a
convenient chimney. Wrassling isn't really about teamwork at the end
of the day, more about wrassling your opponent until he's just a
sweaty man-mass writhing under your control. As a result The Rock's
wrassling chums are possibly more likely to betray and hinder him.
Just look at Mr Ass.
Mario assembles a team along the course of his adventures, all of
whom have abilities that enable victory over specific foes, terrain
and frequencies of light. Of course, take them out of the context of
the Mario universe and these might be less impressive, but they're
doshgarned useful while you're there. Not Luigi though, he stays at
home, cranking something rotten.
can only really rely on those close to him, as due to his appearance
many are immediately suspicious and fearful of him. Ultimately it
turns out that he would be alone, as the world was not made for one
as scissorhanded as him.
NUANCES AND WHATNOT
Rock has such charisma, twould be a shame if it were not given a
larger platform than the world of wrassling to showcase it. Alas,
twas twot two twe.
Also, he sometimes looks like famous pitiful hate-figure, Rob Schneider.
Mario is different from normal Mario due to his paper thin
constitution. The fact that the whole 'Everything's made of paper'
thing isn't explained at any point, it's no big deal.
has killed, which stands him in good stead for any unlikely fighting
scenario, but then again Paper Mario has probably killed the most
creatures out of any of these beings. Plus, with his papery, fibrous
surface, you could totally use him to write hurtful things about your
IT'S CLOBBERING TIME
Mario doesn't like the look of this.
tells him that the huge guy can get away with breaking people's
spines through sheer charm, and the pale creature's digits are
snip-snip-snipping nervously, like he might lash out at the cruel
world he's found himself in. The brush of metal against metal shrieks
quietly and makes Paper Mario think twice about taking him on first.
Mario considers his options. Who else does he have as backup?
Wikipedia. Thikipedia. Thanks Look
Around You. Thook
Mario decides that his best chance of success it to attack the Rock.
His friends form the initial attack wave, and so Paper Mario utilises
the chance provided by the Rock systematically stuffing all of his
friends into a hollowed out turtle shell and punting it into a spike.
His best chance, Mario reckons, is to utilise his two-dimensional
paperyness to smother the Rock in a deadly embrace.
on. Paper Mario pounces.
Rock reels. Then notices that it isn't a moth, it's a weird sliver of
plumber clinging to his leg. Paper Mario mis-timed his attack, and
landed on a limb that is non-essential to the Rock's continued
respiration. The Rock grins. Sparks and starshine are emitted from
his teeth, and he uses this to set some dry grass alight.
Rock is a hard man, in every sense of the word. His grin does not
waver as his shin is singed by the screaming death throes of a flat
Italian hero. The Rock shakes his leg, and the ashes fall to the
ground. Some of them go inside his sock though. This is why you
should never wear socks with your battle sandals, no matter how manly
you are in the presence of burning hot ash.
for the guy dressed as Robert Smith cameoing in Tron,
thinks the Rock.
Scissorhands is looking lost and forlorn in this place of combat. He
doesn't like it here, in this place he can't be bothered generating
descriptive prose for. He wants to be back with his sculptures.
Instead, he's got this man with flaming footwear approaching him with
a familiar look in his eye. This does not bode well for Edward, but
then again what has he got to lose?
Rock advances. Strategy...planning...safety...he ignores all these
things. The best form of defence is to kill everything else in the
universe. A mighty foot is raised, ready to smash down onto Edward's
solar plexus. Alas, Mr Scissorhands has been sculpting for many
years, and also has scissors for hands. He is lightning fast. Skin
and flesh rain down around them like moist confetti. The Rock raises
an eyebrow as he notes that the bones of his foot are now exposed.
for Edward, Paper
Mario had mushroom residue on his feet.
smoking remains of Mario are inhaled by Edward, blunting his senses,
making him hallucinate. He sees his lost love, and his creator, as
they merge into one being and then rain down on him as a
normal-handed child. He skips through a meadow of monochrome, rusty
blades, dousing petrol over everything as the sky boils. Then he
imagines a dragon who refuses to take no for an answer, and remembers
the basic protocols of installing a fresh u-bend.
is delighted by these delusions, and claps like a happy child. This
renders him 'armless.
Rock, meanwhile, has tied his opponent up and set his hair on fire.
He uses the soon-roasting body to cauterise his wounds. Edward barely
notices any of this.
Rock is a hard man, in every sense of the word.
AND THE WINNER IS...
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! will return in:
"I DON'T REALLY WATCH WRESTLING VERY MUCH BUT I BET YOU CAN'T TELL”
If you have any suggestions for who you'd like to see square go each other in future FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! articles, please mention them below.