Monday, 8 July 2013

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! #39




Nobody likes an evil sort.

Instead, we merely worship them.

Darth Vader > Luke Skywalker > Anakin Skywalker

That was a bad example.

Still, who doesn't love a massive shit?

NO, YOU MADE IT RUDE.

I can't work with folk this immature. I'm away to exercise the greatest muscle known to man.

My penisbrain.


NO, YOU MADE IT RUDE.



FIGHT #39

 


SIDESHOW BOB
vs
LORD VOLDEMORT


WHO THEY THEN? 




Sideshow Bob is the stage name of Robert Underdunk Terwilliger, former assistant to Krusty the Clown. Being a clown's assistant is a humiliating and degrading experience, and so Bob naturally became a psychopath. He can usually be found trying to murder the repeated foiler of his schemes, Bart Simpson, in episodes of that thing that's still happening but no-one knows why, The Simpsons


"Oh no, you DI'IN'T."
Voldemort is the adopted name of Tom Riddle, and is also known as 'He Who Must Not Be Named' due to his being a total glass of bumjuice. You know. Like how everyone in the world referred to Hitler as 'Mr Nasty Pants' throughout the entirety of World War II. Except that they didn't, because unlike wizards and witches us muggles aren't FUCKING WUSSES.

So anyway, he's like this bad ass wizard or something, although given what his face looks like I imagine his actual ass is something no living being should ever have to see.


He appears in the more-popular-than-life-itself book and film series, Harry Potter and the Thingy That's Happening.


THEY PACKING MUCH HEAT?


Voldermort knows all the reet bad spellz, including 'Taste my pain, puny insect,' 'The properly nasty one that's never used,' and 'Melodramatic death.'

His pet snake, Nagini, is really big and likes chomping on people til they die. It isn't specified, but I imagine the reason Neville was able to defeat the creature in The Deathly Hallows was because Nagini went back to the boat house to ingest Snape's corpse, therefore being a tad sluggish. To this day Neville believes himself to be a hero, but really it was Snape being so fucking heroic that he saved the day when he'd been dead for hours.

He also has minions, but most of these aren't Helena Bonham-Carter and are therefore rubbish.


Sideshow Bob is usually in jail, but has a finely honed villainous mind. Time behind bars means time to plot and scheme, meaning that he might not possess an arsenal now, but he inevitably will do.


THEIR BACK: WHO HAS IT?



Voldemort's henchpeople are, as discussed, not very good. They're either:


  • Cut-price Noel Fieldings.


  • People who are just doing the film for their kid.

  • Nutters who really rate the villain of the 1978 Doctor Who adventure The Armageddon Factor. 


  • The sensible ones who simper a lot and then run away.


Sideshow Bob's time on the inside means that he has contacts in the underworld. He also has other family members as was the style at the time. Some of them are Tuscan, and so will ultimately be slaughtered by Anakin Skywalker.



NUANCES AND WHATNOT



Voldemort was a boy once, and what he did, right, was stare at things for ages until everyone went 'Ummmm.'

As an adult, he is essentially a monochrome version of Kaa from The Jungle Book, only less charismatic and scary. For a Big Bad, he also smiles a lot; loads more than Harry Potter.


Sideshow Bob has a wonderful singing voice. In many ways, he's like Hugh Jackman in any given film. He is a learned, cultured man who would be amazing at pub quizzes, except that he would only ever enter a pub for reasons of ruthless pragmatism. Still, he crushes good wine with his enormous feet.



IT'S CLOBBERING TIME

 


Sideshow Bob has been out of prison for some time, and has finally found a beautiful house in a green and pleasant land known as ENGERLAND. It's going cheap, due to being somewhat derelict, but this suits Bob's budget down to the ground. After a good day's work the garden is now merely desolate, rather than horrifying.

Then Gino Terwilliger finds an ancient and dusty diary.

It is from Woolworths. That's how old it is. Inside it is a string of bizarrely punctuated words.


Gino fires up his father's trusty IBM Selectric, and searches for a wi-fi signal (because he is a child, and any film will tell you that children can do anything with computers). He types the letters, each one-fingered typing stroke relayed into your minds eye in slow-motion with big, echoing 'BOOM' sound effects each time a finger jabs downwards.

As the enter key is struck, the 'BOOM' is extra-loud, like an atom bomb on the horizon.

A sinister hissing sound is heard as the screen loads up.

'Oh,' thinks Gino, 'That effect is achieved by using reverse delay effects, and is often utilised when hoping to achieve a ghostly atmosphere.'

It doesn't come up much on The Simpsons, but Gino is a big fan of The Cocteau Twins.

Then he gets possessed by Evil.

Horcruxes are a pretty good idea if you're a paranoid megalomaniac, but really, physical objects are a tad finite for such purposes. If you can be arsed to learn the necessary HTML, a blog is a much better way of ensuring eternal life.

Gino doesn't stand a chance against the archived evil (represented here by a picture of a cat staring through a hole in the ceiling) because his tiny mind is not strong enough to withstanding the hellish pummelling it receives. Eventually everything that was or would have been Gino is squashed flat with a sound that can only heard on the mental plane:

PTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

It's really undignified. Bits of his mind seep out of his abstract.

The being formerly known as Tom Riddle does not mind, for he is as awful as wearing converse on a rainy day.

Gino Terwilliger's body unfurls like a wood louse, exhaling with a long, drawn out hiss.

'At last,' he says.

Lord Voldemort heads off uncertainly. It has been a long time since he occupied a body. Since 1997, in fact. He hopes that Shed Seven are still touring. The last time Voldemort was in a disco, he did indeed burn it down.

Francesca and Bob Terwilliger are milking an ass for their bathtime when their son's walking corpse totters into the room.

'Avada Kedavra!' yells little Gino, his voice horse and unnatural.

Gino doesn't normally sound equine, thinks Bob, and he's quoting from that tepid ransacking of superior literature which set back the cause of Classical Latinists several decades.

'Avada Kedavra!'repeats Gino, 'Imperio!'

Sideshow Bob and his wife stare blankly at Lord Voldemort.

'Oh, that's just bloody typical,' he says.

Coming from a Catholic and vaguely ethnic background, Francesca can tell demonic possession when she sees it, and immediately consults the phone book.

Twenty minutes later, a woman in a heavy leather coat arrives at the house.

'Are you the Exorcist?' asks Bob.
'No, he died at the end of the film. I'm a exorcist. An exorcist. Yes.'

Bob leads the woman through to where his erstwhile progeny is duct-taped to the wall. She flicks some holy water, makes the sign of the cross, reads an extract of dialogue from the film Hot Tamale and umms and aahs and rubs her chest a bit, though that's because she's got a bad bra on as she got dressed in a rush. After the necessary amount of cogitating, she reaches a decision.

Your son has been possessed by an inept supervillain,' she says. 'You're going to have to improvise a Gilbert and Sullivan musical.'

Bob stares at Anne Exorcist.

'That's going to translate very badly to this medium,' he says eventually, 'But I daresay I could be persuaded.'
'You will get to improvise a Gilbert and Sullivan musical.'
'Oh, you twisted my arm. But why a Gilbert and Sullivan musical?'
'I thought you were a cultured man.'

Sideshow Bob bridles. He is so cultured that he once did a routine of 'Yo Mamma' jokes comprised entirely of lines from Oedipus the King at an open mic night. However, he perhaps should bow to Anne Exorcist on matters such as this.

'Gilbert and Sullivan were maverick occultists. Muggles see their works and witness only a splendidly entertaining piece of music and theatre. Those with the skillz are aware of the many incantations, hexes and charms in their music and lyrics. Due to the bad juju that was cavorting around Britain at the time, they sought to counteract such devilry by inculcating resistance at the most basic level, mantras programmed into the populace to be uttered at the moment of utmost pissage. To this day dedicated teams of mages put on “amateur” productions of Gilbert and Sullivan works in order to inoculate their audience against the dark arts. And that is why everyone must see at least one Gilbert and Sullivan show in their lifetime.'

Bob nods. This does make perfect sense.

Anne Exorcist produces a conductor's baton from an inside pocket.

'We're going for jaunty. A hundred and thirty beats per minute.'

And she jerks her baton, and the whimsical stylings ensue. Sideshow Bob inhales, ready to begin:

'I...am the very model of a soon defeated enemy/
There's nothing I can do that will this situation remedy/
The Dark Lord has destroyed my son and the Exorcist who's next to me/
Is actually my wife disguised for reasons unbeknownst to me/
There's nothing I can do- HOLD ON.'

Sideshow Bob twitches. Something stirs in his mind.

'Keep singing!' demands the Exorcist.
'I...I rhymed “to me” with “to me”,' stammers Bob, 'Gilbert and Sullivan would never stoop so low! Something's wrong with this picture...'

And, in one bound, Lord Voldemort freed himself from the wall.

'But...a child is no match for fourteen layers of duct tape!'
'You muggle fools,' oozes Voldermort, 'You used Air Duct tape, and thus I was able to make a cliched and convenient escape.'
'Why would we do such a thing?' says Bob.
'Because, I have had you under my command since I uttered the unforgiveable curse. And it amused me to lull you into a false sense of security. If only I hadn't got sloppy with the rhyming. Ah well. Accio rakes.'

Sideshow Bob steps forward to deal with this upstart, when he is hit in the face with a long piece of wood.

'Nnhhgrrh,' he says, and steps away.

He is hit in the face with a long piece of wood.

'Nnhhgrrh,' he says, and steps away.

He is hit in the face with a long piece of wood.

'Nnhhgrrh,' he says, and steps away.

He is hit in the face with a long piece of wood.

'Nnhhgrrh,' he says, and steps away.

He is hit in the face with a long piece of wood.

'Nnhhgrrh,' he says, and steps away.

He is hit in the face with a long piece of wood.

Lord Voldemort takes his suppliant Exorcist body-mother with him. She will be useful in his quest to destroy all things.

Behind them, Sideshow Bob tries to move away from the cold thwacking embrace of his other nemesis, but he is hit in the face with a long piece of wood.

'Nnhhgrrh,' he says, and steps away.

He is hit in the face with a long piece of wood.




AND THE WINNER IS...

  

  VOLDEMORT




FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! will return in:


"SOME FIGHT THAT HASN'T BEEN WRITTEN YET

If you have any suggestions for who you'd like to see square go each other in future FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! articles, please mention them below.

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