This blog celebrates the art of waking up with your enemy's blood on your face by pitching fictional characters against each other to decide once and for all who is supreme. There are fifty FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!s present for your consumption and education. Go nuts.
Monday, 3 June 2013
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! #34
The modern mythologies.
quests have been used to represent our struggle in Olympian terms. A
film about someone struggling with alcohol addiction, that’s merely
an Oscar nominee.
can make one of those.
takes guts to make a film where the eponymous hero’s alcohol abuse
is a minor subplot in a film largely concerned with two men in shiny
suits lumping the bejeezus out of each other.
is miserable when they’re watching other people fight.
how much more popular Darren Aronofsky’s films get when he puts
flipping great wodges of FIGHTING in them?
THE DESPAIR SQUID
WHO THEY THEN?
is a Paracanthurus hepatus,
or a bluey-yellow fish that looks like a Victorian caricature of an
epicurean crossed with an especially smug parrot. She is very upbeat
has short term memory problems, which is funny because she’s not
old. If she was old, it would just be tragic and depressing. She
appears in the film Finding Nemo, and its associated
spin-offs and sequels.
The Despair Squid emits a hallucinogenic nerve toxin, causing a state of
suicidal depression in its victims. It dwells in an oceanic moon, and
has evolved the toxin as a defence mechanism. It is sufficiently
effective to reduce a haddock to a gibbering wreck of a Piscean
staple in the depths of despair. It appears in the Back to Realityand Back to Earthepisodes of Red
THEY PACKING MUCH HEAT?
Dory lacks the density and propulsion to do any serious damage,
although she might get on your nerves slightly if you are of a
crotchety and bereaved disposition. She will chiefly feed on the
smaller types of plankton. Plankton, despite their numbers, have
never successfully mounted any aggressive endeavours, and as such are
rubbish. Algae are a slightly more militant foodstuff, as anyone who
has ever slipped on seaweed will tell you, but lack an offensive
capability to all creatures who simply do not go anywhere near them.
all one has to do to avoid the Despair Squid is not go to the planet
the Despair Squid is on. However, once you are there you are probably
going to kill yourself, so in this round there is one clear winner.
THEIR BACK: WHO HAS IT?
has an innate ability to befriend folk, and so can count on the
friendship of many an undersea creature. Mainly, these involve the
timid (Marlin, the clown fish), and the
clearly-stoned-despite-being-underwater (sea turtles). She does know
several sharks who might be useful in a rumble, because when the
blood lust takes them they can and will home in on a single drop
about a kajillion miles away and then bite it and bite it and bite it
and bite it til it’s:
Despair Squid has no friends, because they have all killed
themselves. The female of the species induces a period of euphoria to
pacify its victims, but this generally results in a much less
critically acclaimed episode, much like the reality of Ribena
compared to a childhood memory of drinking it. Dory wins.
NUANCES AND WHATNOT
is not only an encouraging, if distracting, travelling companion,
she’s adept at self-motivation despite never having read any of
those slim £10.99 books on the subject, so beloved of the
downtrodden who hath no time for the Dewey Decimal system.
Despair Squid has no nuances. It brings out nuances in others. It is
therefore the winner, as in pure combat terms it has nothing that can
be used as a weakness against it.
IT'S CLOBBERING TIME
is pootering about the ocean, chirpily singing to herself about this
and that, when she suddenly notices that she hasn't bumped into
another live sole for ages. This is the price you pay for living in a
self-contained bubble of happiness.
her big, endearing peepers to scan the meniscus, there is nothing on
the surface that would disturb her friends and her soon-to-be-friends
(or 'strangers' as they're usually called). Perhaps there will be
some around the corner of the ocean floor...
is, apparently, possibly for seahorses to hang themselves. This means
it will be difficult to befriend them, but not impossible. Likewise
Dory's friend, the whale, has made companionship harder for itself by
forcing a jellyfish up its blow-hole and holding its breath.
fiddleflam,' thinks Dory. 'What could have caused such potent despair
to all these guys?'
the light of the sun disappears beneath a mighty shadow, Dory has her
hey there Mr Squidgy! Do you know why all my friends have committed
suicide on such a luverly day?'
Squid - dragged across space and time by the pure and natural force
that is FIGHTING! -
responds by secreting ink into the sea, before turning and swimming
away to seek any trace of its mate. It may write some bleak and
evocative poetry before this solar sojourn is out.
is put out but not defeated in her quest for knowledge. Even if
grumpy ol' Mr Squid isn't going to be forthcoming with the details,
she'll find out soon enough. People like telling her things. She just
has one of those faces.
of those stupid, ugly faces.
that's not true. It's pleasing symmetrical.
fish make fun of it behind her dorsal fins. Which are also crap.
my. This isn't usual. The realisation that all life is ultimately
futile and if all you live for has been taken away, and you don't
even have the luxury of killing time before you die in a pleasant
are literally in an abyss, but no-one will look back.
insides turn to shards, of splintering ice that will fester across
her soul and shatter.
is here. No-one is coming.
keep swimming. That's all there is left.
Hey. There's a clown fish. Clown fish are funny. Maybe they'll go on an adventure.
Dory is pootering about the ocean, chirpily singing to herself about this and that, when she suddenly notices that she hasn't bumped into another live sole for ages. This is the price you pay for living in a self-contained bubble of happiness.
AND THE WINNER IS...
THE DESPAIR SQUID
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! will return in:
"SUNSHINE AND LOLLYPOPS/ WILL ULTIMATELY KILL YOU/ IF CONSUMED IN LARGE QUANTITIES.”
If you have any suggestions for who you'd like to see square go each other in future FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! articles, please mention them below.