This blog celebrates the art of waking up with your enemy's blood on your face by pitching fictional characters against each other to decide once and for all who is supreme. There are fifty FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!s present for your consumption and education. Go nuts.
is entirely possible to have a fight with yourself.
you can go all metaphysical:
Your desire to eat chocolate when you're on a diet. Or a boat. Or a funeral procession.
urge to check Facebook when you should be writing a blogpost for a
friend which makes you feel bad and requires immediate
can fight with inner demons though outer ones are much more visually
can also physically punch yourself when under the influence of a
particularly cruel and depressingly resourceful bully.
yet, what we all secretly wonder what it would be like to actually
fight ourselves. We've all seen that episode of Star Trek.
you have to wonder. Would you deliberately pummel yourself?
both of you have the same thoughts at the same time, or would there
be subtle differences?
you just be constantly matching punch for punch, the only things
getting damaged your knuckles, your sense of pride, and possibly a
it be an evil version of yourself? All beardy and with tiny eyes like
marbles? Or maybe the better version of yourself? Or just yourself,
mirrored down to the last atom, fighting over the very right to
breathe on the same plane of existence?
course, there is no way to find out.
sensible way, anyway.
just have to dream. Or punch a mirror.
punch a mirror, just in case you're in a country without socialised
medicine; I don't want to be liable for your bills.)
NOTE: Go on, punch a mirror.
WHO THEY THEN?
is the one-eyed captain of the Planet Express ship in the 30th
century, delivering packages acros galaxies with the earnest
hinderings of a frequently non-committal crew. Brought up believing
herself to be the last of a mysterious cyclopic race, she is in fact
a mutant from the New York city sewers. Fully capable in martial
arts, if not in depth perception, Leela is a fierce environmentalist
in a marginally-more-complicated-than-usual relationship with her
co-worker, Philip J. Fry. For more information on Leela, see Matt Groening's Futurama,
despite the fact it has so far managed to be cancelled twice whilst
staggers on unto eternity.
is a companion of the fourth Doctor; a warrior of the Sevateem tribe
from a far and distant future. That said, she is human, probably
because of the continual squeeze on Doctor Who budgets. Leela is a
fierce warrior with a tendency to try and stab people on a very small
amount of provocation, a strong sense of danger, and what are
charmingly referred to as 'savage' manners. She wears a leather
bikini more than is strictly practical. For more information on
Leela, see her nine story run in 1970s Doctor Who. Doctor Who, to
be fair, was only cancelled once (assuming you don't refer to 1986's
hiatus as 'Let's cancel this show only to hastily backtrack when it
turned out we'd pissed off several million people and the papers saw
a chance to exploit things').
THEY PACKING MUCH HEAT?
hails from the 30th
century, and as such has the dubious advantages that the technology
brings her. Unfortunately, the good ship Planet Express is designed
as a courier ship, and as such is fairly limited in its offensive
capabilities. (Contemporary cycle couriers' main weaponry is simply
to run into you at high speed as the rider realises he is forty
minutes late). However, Leela is a great tactical leader and is also
fairly kickass in the field of kicking ass. Many a bad guy has been
clobbered by a flying kick from her awesome leather boots.
is from a primitive and backwards planet and just carries stuff like
knives, and poison darts in the form of lethal Janus Thorns. As you
do. She has a lesser sense of tactical planning, but has equal power
in terms of flying kicks through the medium of holding knives to
throats and general awesomeness. She spends a lot of her time on the
TARDIS, which is fairly useless at navigation but generally speaking
not too bad at defence. Or would be, if anyone ever remembered to use
it. It is also, apparently, silly.
THEIR BACK: WHO HAS IT?
has a crew of general misfits, including an alcoholic robot, a
recently defrosted human left over from the 20th
century, an elderly Professor with a penchant for nudity and
inventing things no-one asked for, and a limbo-dancing accountant.
They quite often manage to save the day, but no one is ever quite
is technically a member of a crew of general misfits, which during
her duration was basically herself and a robot dog (probably not an
alcoholic, but we're not ruling it out). However, the TARDIS is run
(to a greater or lesser extent) by the Doctor, a Time Lord of immense
importance and power, with a legend writ over the universe. Sort of.
His very name is unknowable/knowable/a massive anticlimax (delete as applicable).
it must be said, also has a Doctor. He does have a name, and it is
Zoidberg. Whilst modern day Doctor Who theorising would angst for a
long time over which Doctor was more dangerous to his companions, in
the short term you'd probably not want Zoidberg hovering over you,
pincers clicking wildly and begging for some money, maybe some food.
distant cousin of Zoidberg appears during the cliffhanger for The
Power of Kroll Part
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!#32).
NUANCES AND WHATNOT
I would like it to be known that female characters in sci-fi being
reduced to their love interests is both boring and anti-feminist, we
have to make something reasonably clear here. Both of the Leelas have
disastrous love lives. Leela has managed to sleep with Zapp Branigan,
and has an on-off romance with Fry, the aforementioned recently
defrosted human. If anything, it disproves the adage 'Aim low and
you'll never be disappointed'.
other married literally the most boring Time Lord to have ever
guarded Gallifrey very badly from an alien invasion in a shock ending
to The Invasion of Time.
It was such a shock that the characters didn't seem to realise until
the last minute. Or, indeed, the actors. Or the director. It took me
several seconds as a viewer to spit tea all over my tea-bag replica
of Tom Baker.
Leela, really, can rely on romantic entanglements here.
IT'S CLOBBERING TIME
the Planet Express building, there was a sudden wheezing, groaning
noise. “Professor!” shouted Leela. “What have you broken this
was no response from Professor Farnsworth's lab. Not for the first
time, Leela debated looking for a new job, reconciled herself with
the fact that the economy never really did recover from the slump of
the early 21st
Century, sighed and headed up the stairs. She is bewildered by the
sight of the Professor slippers sticking out from underneath a large
blue box with the words 'POLICE BOX' emblazoned on the side. Her loud
exclamations of horror – who was going to sign the pay-cheques now?
- was quickly overridden by the door of the box opening. A tall man
stepped out, wearing an impractical scarf and a ridiculous hat.
you... the Professor!” howled Leela, pointing at him in horror.
no, I'm the Doctor!” the tall man said, smiling widely. “I can
see how you made the mistake. What a fascinating laboratory, I can
see why the TARDIS was attracted here!”
with rage, Leela launched herself at the Doctor with a flying kick.
Her triumphant “Heeee-yah!” was interrupted midflow by a small
blurry woman in a bikini grabbing her ponytail and flipping her over.
admonished the Doctor. Both women turned around.
they said together.
gasped. “You're called Leela?”
other woman – wearing, it must be said a truly impractical bikini
for winter in New New York – frowned. “Who are you to steal my
name and try to hurt the Doctor, one eye?” She gave the ponytail
another sharp tug.
you had to pull the race card!” howled Leela, and flipped herself
over, startling Leela into letting go of her ponytail. She quickly
launched herself at the bikini-clad women, barrelling into her with
the rage that only a woman with fairly deep identity issues can
possess. Leela was no weak match though, and fought her back punch
Fry and Bender had come up the stairs to stand by the Doctor. “Well,
I must say, this is certainly a different welcome to a planet,”
said the Doctor, making no attempt to intervene. “Where am I,
anyway? I was expecting something a little different...”
the background, the ponytailed Leela had just tried to kick the
bikini-clad Leela, only to be averted by the superior speed and
distance-judging abilities of the latter.
on Earth, dumbass,” said Bender. The Doctor looked carefully at the
century? New New York? This wasn't what I was expecting.”
were you expecting? Some kind of New New York with nuns that look
like cats, and seemingly miraculous yet suspicious medical
technology?” Bender sniggered. “That would be stupid.”
we, you know, try and stop them?” asked Fry, although sounding a
little reluctant. Leela was now trying to avoid the blades wielded
viciously by Leela, although the latter was always carefully making
sure any bloodshed was minimal and suitable for the potential rage of
Mary Whitehouse. Where the blades had actually been hidden was a
mystery to all concerned, and Fry had been looking closely. Leela had
no such compunction against bloodshed, though, and was focussing her
rage on headshots.
is getting silly,” sighed the Doctor, as Leela grabbed a wrench
from the Professor's shelf, and tried to throw it at Leela, although
missing her mark by several inches. (Lack of depth perception is a
very serious hazard.) “K-9! Come and help!”
door of the blue box opened again, and a small dog whirred out of the
box, before promptly stopping. “Master!” it bleated. Bender
looked disgusted. “Carpet! Cannot comply!”
both Leelas were bleeding heavily but still fighting with a
surprisingly ferociousness. The fight had bounced against many walls,
leaving experimental weaponry and bits of metal scattered against the
floor. The one in the leather bikini crouched down for a moment,
attempting to make a crude weapon out of the scrap metal that lay
strewn about the floor. Ignorance, and the Doctor's reluctance to
teach her about advanced weaponry, meant that she ignored several
firearms that would have done the job much quicker, passing over
several experimental ray guns.
took her chance while the other scrabbled for something sharp,
re-bounding against the wall to build up speed and finally knock the
Leela out in a ferocious sign of violence that also looked strangely
is not...honourable...behaviour...” wheezed Leela from the floor,
is ridiculous,” said the Doctor with a sigh, eventually stepping
in. “You! Leela! Stop beating Leela about the head! And Leela, this
is not civilized behaviour!”
the plaintive voice of K-9. “Mistress is injured! Also suspect
violent thoughts of the other robot!”
leered. “Bite my shiny metal ass.”
killed the Professor!” cried Leela, ponytail askew. “Your vessel
landed on his head! Who's going to pay
The Doctor looked at the floor, and the slippers. “Oh dear, not
again. Come on K-9, back into the TARDIS!”
he scooped up Leela and dragged her across the floor, as the robot
dog awkwardly manoeuvred back into the TARIS. As the blue box
de-materialised, Leela went to crouch by the slippers of the
Professor, expecting to see his horribly mangled corpse.
all this noise and mess? Oooh, my spare legs,” came a voice from
cried the team. “We thought you were dead!”
I was out getting tacos with Dr Zoidberg. He'll dance for sachets of
relish. What happened?”
beat the crap out of some chick who can't afford clothes,” said
The Professor thought for a moment. “Well, good news everyone!
We'll take this mess out of Leela's paycheque!”
AND THE WINNER IS...
was only ever going to be one winner, really.
to put it another way, the levels of violence permitted in 1970s BBC
never stood a chance to the violence permitted on an American TV
network in the 21st
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! will return in:
"GANDHI KILLS A DUCK WITH HIS FISTS"
If you have any suggestions for who you'd like to see square go each other in future FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! articles, please mention them below.