This blog celebrates the art of waking up with your enemy's blood on your face by pitching fictional characters against each other to decide once and for all who is supreme. There are fifty FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!s present for your consumption and education. Go nuts.
Monday, 8 April 2013
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! #26
They say that crime doesn't pay. But it obviously does. That's the whole point. You take stuff that isn't yours to take. Possibly they mean that, in order to get away with this sort of behaviour, you have to invest your time and money in nefarious schemes of such bewildering complexity that it takes either several issues or a ninety minute telly-film to unravel them. And so, ultimately, the best criminals may only just break even. Perhaps then, they do it for some other reason. If you have no choice, if you are compelled to act against the law, then it behooves one to turn such endeavours into an art form.
The Joker is a supervillain in the various D.C. universes, the nemesis
of Batman. As the “Clown-Prince of crime” he is a staunch
monarchist as opposed to Moriarty’s republican tendencies. He is a
white-faced, green-haired psychopath with a warped sense of humour.
As such, he vastly prefers BBC 4 to BBC 3.
THEY PACKING MUCH HEAT?
probably. It depends how and who they are on any given day. The Joker
is so sane that he can pick and choose whether to be like Tigger from
Winnie the Pooh
or Michael Corleone and Beetlejuice’s grimly violent stepson. He
may well be packing heat that results in blackly comic deaths and
rictus grins, such as Joker Venom, acid squirting flowers, or
balloons filled with poisonous gas.
because he is not an idiot, he will also counter these outlandish
creations with the more traditional dispensers of bonus body holes:
firearms, knives, and blunt trauma inducement devices. Voldemort, the
Dark Lord and Nemesis of Harry Potter, could learn a lot from the
Joker, but then (not that this blog wants to labour this point) Voldemort is a massive fanny and totally deserved to
may pack heat, sure, but he does so chiefly in the form of brains.
how warm they are.
THEIR BACK: WHO HAS IT?
by virtue of enabling a multitude of plethoras of ne’er-do-wells,
has much of the criminal fraternity of London owing him favours.
Hansom cab drivers, internal-combustion-engined cab drivers, shoes;
all of these aid him in his quest to abet nefarious deeds indeed. He
can also enlist blind German mechanics to his cause. Blind German
mechanics are among the most evil of blind mechanics (If you meet a
blind Welsh mechanic, you should probably make peace with your
shortcomings and put down some tarp).
most hench of hench-type men was Colonel Sebastien Moran, crack-shot,
nutcase, and head of the venerable Moran scion of writing and
journalism. His thoughts on transgender and zombie outbreaks in the
vicinity of Bow Bells are unknown.
Joker has his henchmen and women (some of whom are more outré than
others). If the Brian Azzarello and Lee Bermejo’s (light-hearted
romp of a) tome Jokeris
anything to go by, the life of these henchpeople is nasty, brutish
and short. Ah the world of crime, it is a tad Hobbesian is it not?
Joker will occasionally form alliances with other criminal
masterminds, if he feels the need to embark upon Event Crimes, which
are like normal crimes but with a bigger publicity campaign, a
reversible death, and a questionable decision to make someone’s costume plungier.
NUANCES AND WHATNOT
Joker has many nuances, although these have only become nuances due
to the acquisition of new and differing character traits over time.
Ditto Moriarty. This is what happens when you’re not in control of
may be familiar with this concept.
face it; we’ve all got a lot more in common with the Joker than
Batman. It’s easier to relate to someone driven to mania by
circumstances than a millionaire bat-fetishist ruthless maintaining
the status quo through the theatrical application of fear.
both have a keen sense of humour. I’ve found that people are
prepared to tolerate all manner of personality problems if you bring
the lulz. The Joker is, obviously, an ostentiously mischievous sort,
and Moriarty had a recurring role in The Goon Show.
you aren’t familiar with The
Goon Show, it’s like
The Mighty Booshcrossed
with a Variety show crossed with racism.
funnier than it sounds.
IT'S CLOBBERING TIME
the Joker has decided that he needs to be every kind of him. Moriarty
has decided similarly, although he has something of a limited choice,
but it works for him. He is comfortable in his own skin, and has home
few actors owe Jim a favour, so posting a YouTube video of a
posturing Knight and Squire boasting of their recent besting enrages
the Joker into coming over here upon breaking loose from Arkham.
Again. A tad theatrical perhaps, but nonetheless entertaining, muses
though, comes before a fall. Also ‘of lions’. Write that down.
Joker arrives in Blighty suddenly, near the end of an issue, so the
reader isn’t disposed to ponder his means of transportation (Boat?
Plane? Cycle-powered dirigible?) because they’re so impressed that
he’s just turned up like that. I mean, wow, it’s the Joker. Who
saw that coming? Yet again, the slow boring aspects of supervillainy
are cruelly overlooked in favour of stuff that is “exciting”.
Goons are taken by surprise. Neddy, Eccles, and Major Bloodnok are
preserved in amber and reduced to the size of flies on a whim, where
they will be eventually cloned and restored to life at a theme park
invented by a kindly scientist, and everybody singes ‘Happy
Birthday’ at them.
the Joker is in a Dadaist nightmare kind of moo glass eye stalking
and a henge is what we find.
thinks Moriarty, I see his rampant surrealism and I raise him
Joker whips round, like a beast whose feast has been interrupted.
it there,’ he says.
don’t think I will now,’ Moriarty saunters forwards, hands in
pockets, making a £4000 suit look dishevelled and grinning like the
glint of an axe. ‘What brings you to my manor, so to speak if you
catch my drift as it were?’
don’t respond well to taunts,’ says the Joker, pulling on his
cheeks to expose the lower extremities of his eyeballs, ‘So I came
here to kill you, and then do despicable things to your corpse so I
don’t have to do anything similar to anyone else.’
so really you’re on a humanitarian mission. I can relate to that. I
am a people person.’
then unleashes a laugh that has much the same effect as dragging an
icicle across one’s spine. The Joker joins in. A mountainous
cacophony of disturbing glee peaks as Jim Moriarty’s nose starts
eyes turn hard. He coughs.
so, at last, he understood,’ says the Joker, as Moriarty splutters,
hacks, and collapses.
a few minutes he stops twitching. The Joker solemnly prods at his
body with his foot, turning it over to reveal a death leer that could
rival that of an Aztec god.
the Joker says, ‘You disappoint me. Anyone who falls for the old
“Joker Venom jets secreted beneath the eyeballs activated by
buttons hidden in my cheekbones” trick is not a worthy adversary.’
his opponent is dead - and then and only then is this an acceptable
time to do so – the Joker does a little tap dance. He clicks and
spins and grins and kicks at Moriarty's ribs, but fortunately for
fans of rhythm the bones breaking fill in as the Joker's soles miss
are you so pleased?' shouts the Joker at the rictus grin, 'Do you
like being beaten up or something?'
something,' says Moriarty, and catches the Joker's boot. The American
is spun around, and falls heavily onto his knee.
come round my neck of the woods,' says Moriarty, 'Then you need to
remember: I'm connected. You get a paddle steamer over from the U S
of A, my feelers are gonna find you and your pie.'
How did you know? I thought no-one saw my method of transport.'
I said, I'm connected. I also know that no-one reading this knew of
your method of transport, thus providing a reasonable level of
surprise and impressive sounding foresight to my schemes.’
Joker jumps back up onto his feet, testing his injured knee. It seems
fine, so he pulls a knife on Moriarty.
fact,’ continues Moriarty, as if oblivious, ‘I’m so
massively connected that
I can get in touch with chemists, and persuade them to alter the
materials they provide to certain clients.’
am so unbelievably hugely
utterly like WAAAAAAAAAAH connected
that I can intercept these orders and alter the product ultimately
created to one of my design.’
am so godlike and divine and happy to be here tonight to receive this
blessing from the angels of the Lord, allelujah, that I have ingested
a one shot serum fired from beneath someone’s eyeballs
that increases rage,
stimulated the brain, and results in a higher pain tolerance for a
short period of time.’
Joker is forced to concede that, yes, that’s one mother of a
freaky, demented smile.
pummels him, until he explodes in a shower of alarm clocks, crying
doves, and roads to nowhere.
Mr Joker,’ says Moriarty, between giggling like a psychopath, ‘Why
AND THE WINNER IS...
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! will return in:
"THE FUTURE, OBVIOUSLY."
If you have any suggestions for who you'd like to see square go each other in future FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! articles, please mention them below.