Monday, 18 March 2013
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! #23
Samwise Gamgee is one of nature's small, awkward cleanliness-obsessed creatures. If he were human, he would be a School Janitor and branded 'a bit shifty looking' by the press if anyone got murdered within a forty mile radius, but fortunately Sam is not human. He is a Hobbit from the Shire in Middle Earth. The loyal friend of Frodo Baggins, he accompanied him all the way to Mount Doom, and then went home and had a nice quiet life. Some people will probably tell you that he was a gay, but homosexuality - along with the Etch-a-Sketch - was not invented in Middle Earth until the Fourth Age.
He appears in the book and film series The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien. And probably the third Hobbit film.
Ron is a young wizard of the Weasley Dynasty. He is also ginger. This isn't mentioned that much because wizards have different racisms to mankinds (for example, if Ron were a janitor he’d probably be a beloved spinster who collected ceramic West Highland Terriers, but racist wizards tend to go for the ‘Mudblood-lover’ angle).
The loyal friend of the more handsome and eponymous Harry Potter, he helps Harry defeat Voldemort on a number of occasions*, and accompanies him into the Chamber of Secrets, plus that big awkward camping holiday they went on. His skills are saying “Bloody Hell, Harry”, being blokey and dependable, and having sex with Hermione Grainger at least twice.
He appears in the increasingly poorly edited adventures of Harry Potter by J.K. Rowling.
Eagle-eyed but human-brained readers will have noticed that both authors use their initials rather than their first name. This is totally why we linked these two characters together. We were going to use Jonah Jameson until we realised that J. K. Simons’ name was derived from letters of the same Latin Alphabet as Tolkien, and that would never do.
* He is sometimes there when it happens.
Ron has a magic wand and his friends know a lot of spells, so together they can conjure up pretty much anything. However, because of all their poncy “morals” and shit, they refuse to use all the cool death and torture spells, so can merely stun people or make their nose grow kind of big. This is enough to thwart the most evil wizard the world has ever seen and his minions because the most evil wizard the world has ever seen and his minions are rubbish.
Sam’s main weapon is an elvish lightbulb that repels spiders or something, but isn’t very good for fighting anyone who is generally familiar with daylight. He's a gardener so can probably get his hands on a rake (woe betide the facial features that do not suit linear scratchings), or possibly render you unconscious with an astronomical quote for some minor landscaping. He also has access to a magical ring that makes you disappear but he is apparently unwilling to carry this, favouring to carry Frodo. But he could always lob Frodo at someone.
Sam and Frodo did have the backing of the entire Fellowship of the Ring, which involved people who seemed pretty damn proud of their axe, their bow, their sword and other items of weaponry that could be misconstrued as metaphors for genitals (see also: all other weaponry). Then Frodo decided to wander off and Sam followed, meaning that the only person who could potentially have Sam's back is Frodo, or some narratively convenient eagles. Not only does Frodo not have Sam's back, but when he's not groaning and falling over, he's siding with Gollum.
Being the fourth most popular member of the Weasley family, Ron can rely on his parents to rescue him in the style of Ellen Ripley should one of their son’s gastropod themed hexes somehow fail to repel one of the few reliably murderous dark witches.
Ron's best friend is the “famous Harry Potter”, assuming that they are not in a huff with each other because they are teenage boys. Although frankly, despite being heralded as “the famous Harry Potter”, he is a pretty rubbish wizard to have your back. This is mainly because he keeps standing in front of Ron. Fortunately, Hermione Granger fancies him, so has a vested interest in keeping him in at least two pieces. Plus, legendary bad-ass Neville Longbottom is standing behind him with a massive fuck-off sword he just found in a magic hat.
Sam is a lowly gardener from what I can only guess is the West Country of Hobbiton. I don’t know. What do you want, research or something? He's very small and a bit podgy but will do ANYTHING to defend Frodo, including reading 'Go fuck yourself San Diego' from the autocue. He has promised Gandalf to keep Frodo safe, and Gandalf is pretty scary, especially when he does the whole deep breath/LOOMing thing.
Incidentally, ‘Loom’ is an archaic euphemism for a penis. Now you can all snigger at anyone wearing ‘Fruit of the Loom’ clothes. Don’t say this blog isn’t educational.
Sam, like Boromir, does most of the hard work only for someone else to swan off with the credit. Unlike Boromir, he’s pretty much okay with this.
He is also scared of boats.
Ron is good at wizard’s chess, although it would strain credulity for this to become an important plot point at any stage. He's pretty small and a bit skinny (let’s ignore the later films) but will do ANYTHING to defend Hermione. Well, he'll say he'll do anything, but tends to be all talk and no action (let’s ignore the later books). JK Rowling has stated that Ron acknowledging his weaknesses makes him a man. Not looking promising then unless he can become the perfect battleaxe of a woman, but then we’re verging on Jeremy Kyle territory.
Ron, like Boromir, gets pretty miffed about how everyone thinks his new bezzie is better than him at everything. Unlike Boromir, he isn’t played by Sean Bean, because that would be wrong (especially in the first earlier films).
He's also scared of spiders.
Weasley and Gamgee face each other nervously, Sam lighting the room with the blinding light of Elandil, then Ron turning it out using a delumintor, over and over again, biding time until someone bigger, stronger, more rugged and prettier comes to help. Gamgee is the first to realise that there are no elves coming to his aid. Ah, those beautiful elves. They’re so pretty and shiney and clever and...
“OW!” Shouts Sam, as he is hit by a small hard vegetable, and turns to see Ron running behind a hippogriff. He picks up his enemy’s long-distance weapon of choice, now lying broken on the ground.
“A potato? What the waste of good food. You’ll pay for that!”. He pops it into his gardening bag and charges in the general direction of Ron, narrowly avoiding a face kicking from the big winged-horse-beast.
Ron points his wand at Sam, shouts “EAT SLUGS," and the slimy black creatures come pouring out of Sam’s mouth. Shocked for a moment, Sam falls to his knees. Luckily, Sam has a handy bag of gardening supplies so pops a couple of slug pellets into his slime-filled mouth which soon work their own kind of magic on the slugs, turning them into what looks a little too much like man chowder.
Ron almost faints at the sight of the rampaging Hobbit, his mouth sending out plumes of sluggy spray as he roars.
Sam quickly seizes his chance and puts Ron’s wand in his ring, thus rendering it invisible. This makes the fight more equal and causes slash-fiction writers everywhere to have a coronary.
Ron complains that this is unfair and stomps about in a bout of angst for a few chapters. Meanwhile, Sam is rummaging around in his gardening bag and pulls out a trowel, ready and willing to use it as a teenage embludgeoning device. While plucking his towel from his sack, a spider crawls from its hiding place. Ron gibbers in disbelief.
“I can’t believe you would fight dirty!” shouts Ron, hastily backing away.
“My tools are cleaned regularly.” says Sam. He notices the spider, and bravely collects it using a glass and a piece of card, before flinging it in Ron’s direction. Ron makes a noise beyond the frequency of human hearing, trips over a box of quidditch balls, crashes into the mirror of Erised and slumps to the floor in a shower of bloody shards, while the now-free bludgers start pummelling him.
“Defeated by a spider!" sighed Sam, dodging a bludger. “You’d never catch me being despatched so rubbishly.”
At that, Sam starts convulsing, and blood begins to pour out of his every orifice. And I mean: Every. Single. One.
Too late, Sam realises his fatal mistake. Slug pellets are poisonous not only to slugs and Humans, but also Hobbits. He falls to the ground, twitching. In his last breath he sighed “I’m sorry, Mr Frodo”.
Ron stands up woozily and looks in the mirror. His smile judders into bloody fragments, leering back at him like a Pixies song.
“Maybe you aren’t a useless wimp after all. You won.” he says to himself, failing to realise the gaping, bloody wound on his head is more than likely fatal.
“You won Weasley. You’re their King.”
He stumbles forward into the light.
"SAM, MY SWORD IS SINGING 'MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE'. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?"
If you have any suggestions for who you'd like to see square go each other in future FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! articles, please mention them below.