This blog celebrates the art of waking up with your enemy's blood on your face by pitching fictional characters against each other to decide once and for all who is supreme. There are fifty FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!s present for your consumption and education. Go nuts.
Monday, 11 February 2013
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! #18
This week's FIGHT is written by Your Mum.
is what makes a man.
about who would win fights between fictional characters is what makes
up most of the parts of the internet that aren’t porn or pictures
is not a fight between porn and pictures of kittens.
TonyStark is the current CEO of Stark
Enterprises/International/Fujikawa/Resilient; he became a founding
member of the Avengers after developing a powered suit that helped
him escape capture by militants and survive a life-threatening
not Man-Ironing, boozing, or philandering, he runs an ex-munitions
company which operates on the Wayne Enterprises business model of
doing some largely ill-defined important stuff and lots of
philanthropy to generate a profit which the top man then spends in
secret on neat toys for himself. This may explain why it has suffered
various mergers, takeovers, outright coups, incidences of corporate
espionage, and total collapses over the years.
JohnMcClane is a hot-headed ex-NYC Cop with a grim sense of humour and a
talent for fighting terrorists against ever-increasing odds. He does
this by crawling around in vents, complaining and losing his clothes.
chatty to the point of being one step off doing Alfie-style
narration, John seemingly needs to be talking to someone at any given
time, whether it be to himself, someone on a radio, his arch-nemesis,
or even an inanimate girl on a Playboy poster. Aging, grumpy, tired,
sarcastic, unlucky, capable of alienating everyone around him, and
packing some memorable lines and catchphrases, John McClane is the
Victor Meldrew of action heroes.
PACKING MUCH HEAT?
Man is essentially the bastard offspring of Robocop and a fighter
jet. Just a small sample of his arsenal includes missiles, repulsor
rays, sonic weapons, pulse weapons, flamethrowers, and a deadly
Uni-Beam. To say that he is armed to the teeth would be an
understatement. Given that Stark’s Extremis suit is partly
contained within his bones, his teeth may actually be armed.
McClane is typically woefully underprepared for any given hostage
situation or city-wide crisis, his arsenal is largely ad hoc;
consisting of his police-issue revolver, anything he can steal from
whoever he’s fighting at the time, and whatever he can tape to his
back. Also if you give him a police car, he can probably kill a
helicopter with it.
BACK: WHO HAS IT?
McClane has Sgt. Al Powell: purveyor of moral support, eater of
alright, since there is a word count to get up to here, let’s break
this down. Since the proper Earth-616 Avengers line-up has at some
point constituted about half the Marvel universe, let’s just count
the movie lot as backup. So that is:
Samuel L Jackson, who possesses basically the same level of awesomeness as
he does in any other film, impaired only very slightly by the fact
that The Mouse won’t let him say “fuck”.
is some pretty solid backup even before considering the B-listers;
some guy who shoots arrows and a lady who shoots guns, the sum total
of which is a bunch of conventional weaponry and the addition of a
touch of diversity to a team which is admittedly so largely staffed
with white males that it could reasonably be confused with the
aftermath of a terrible accident during a YMCA trip to a Tipp-Ex
without The Avengers, Tony Stark’s back is up’d (sometimes) by
ex-bodyguard and friend Colonel James “Rhodey” Rhodes, who also
goes by the fairly accurate name of War Machine. Which is to say
rather redundantly that his superhero persona is literally a machine
made for war. He is Iron Man but significantly moreso, with more
guns, missiles, and energy weapons strapped to him than the
protagonist of a pre-Halo First Person Shooter.
McClane’s expanded entourage includes Zeus (who is not Liam Neeson,
but another variant of Samuel L Jackson, who therefore cancels out
Nick Fury), and whoever Justin Long’s character was in Die Hard 4.0
– Relevant skills include cowering and being able to effectively
use whatever videogame-like interface that Hollywood believes hacking
also has a family consisting of ex-wife Holly, daughter Lucy, and son
John “Jack” McClane Jr. However, as his family are usually
estranged or unhelpful until the end of an adventure, they aren't
in conclusion, the winner is totallyIron Man.
lacking Stark’s IQ and budget, McClane’s inventiveness under
pressure is considerable. He is also a master of gallows humour,
frequently self-referential and only intended to be heard by himself.
Considering these two characteristics, McClane would likely be a
mediocre stand-up, but brilliant at improv.
personal life is tempestuous, with his personality frequently
damaging his career and his family life prior to the start of any
given adventure. Luckily these things can usually be resolved
temporarily by besting several armed thugs in close quarters combat.
Stark is a playboy genius recovering from a serious drinking problem.
Underneath his exterior sheen, he is still a man of principles,
willing to go beyond just basic photo-op-philanthropy to do what he
feels is right for the little people by taking hard or unpopular
decisions, whether it be shutting down his munitions company’s
entire core business or cracking down on superheroing freedoms to
make his friends accountable to the public.
results of this battle have been compiled using a very sophisticated
computer. It’s well-versed in opera, and is a qualified sommelier.
The computer is also sophisticated enough to know what beginning in
media res means, and doesn’t care
if you don’t because it’s going to do it anyway.
somewhere in the cramped and labyrinthine air-conditioning shafts of
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!’s all-purpose combat arena (the Tyler Durden
Memorial Delicatessen), John McClane bitterly reflects on the events
that have led him to this point. As always, the bout had started with
his personal life in disarray (this time the estrangement of his
previously beloved Aunt Imelda) before things spiralled rapidly out
further into the ventilation system and trying to work on a good
situationally-appropriate quip, McClane hears the noise of tearing
metal as the vent grille in front of him screeches open to reveal a
very angry-looking black-and-gunmetal robot exoskeleton.
McClane stares War Machine right in the visor.
was about to say something about the same shit happening to the same
guy," he says, "But I’ve gotta hand it to ya; this
IS IT! PLEASE, JUST SHUT UP” yells War Machine. “I am going to
watch myself beat seven shades out of you with my own eyes, not the
suit’s!”, his angry metal face opening to reveal an even angrier
fleshy face beneath. “Do you know how good the audio scanners are
in this thing? I have had to listen to twenty
whole minutes of your inane bitching
while I was trying to find you. Were you born without an inner
pause is just enough for McClane to assess the situation. Behind War
Machine is a storage room for the sort of ridiculously dangerous
things that are usually lying around in action movie locations.
Trying out this new inner monologue thing he’d just heard about, he
concludes that there might be a chance here, but it’ll hurt like
hell at best and send him straight there at worst. Still, if he was
going to die, then he was going to die hard.
Like an erection in a guillotine.
pulling out his pistol and taking aim at the conveniently-placed and
presumably very explosive canisters in the storeroom, John spits out
one last bitter reminiscence to nobody in particular, recalling Aunt
Imelda’s words before their falling out; “Come out to the Tyler
Durden Memorial Delicatessen! We’ll get together, have a few
squeezes the trigger as he sees War Machine jam his metal fist into
the vent. A shot rings out, followed by a burst of noise, heat and
light, before blackness consumes everything.
in the stairwell, Tony Stark replays the initial stages of the bout
in his suit’s HUD. Reviewing the video-feed, Stark saw the
characteristic smart-ass attitudes flagrantly on display as they
savagely hurled their most quotable catchphrases across the ring.
to the party, pal!” challenged McClane
bringing the party to you!” retorted Stark
moment of censorship-based weakness proved decisive, allowing Iron
Man to get the drop on him. Significantly more accustomed to
conducting smug wordplay using teen-appropriate vocabulary, Stark
threw out smarmy quip after smarmy quip, each of which dealt stinging
blows to McClane’s ego, these followed by significantly more
stinging blows to his face.
the one-sided melee continued unabated, someone McClane didn't like
very much from earlier turns up being loud and obnoxious, only to be
confronted by War Machine. Their contribution to the fight was barely
worth the time it takes to type the resultant compound onomatopoeia:
sqlunch part was especially unpleasant.
distraction was all that McClane needed to flee to the relative
safety of nearest convenient air vent entrance. Rhodes charged off
into the back-passages in pursuit. Stark decided against it, and
instead instructs his suit to play that piece of classical music that
sounds like someone is singing 'ELEPHANTS YEAH'.
in the present, Stark finishes the video and waits for War Machine’s
return. A thumping clanking sound makes Stark vaguely aware of his
counterpart’s hulking presence, and he prepares to congratulate
Rhodey on a job presumably well done.
the strains of Ode To Joy and McClane’s voice boom. “Hey Pal,
patch in.”. Stark cycles through the channels, and connects to the
War Machine helmet's visual feed, only to see Rhodey tied to a chair
in front of a bathroom mirror, with text scrawled on his shirt. It
I have a repulsor ray.
is even more impressive when you consider McClane had to do all the
writing backwards, and find a copy of Ode to Joy to play through War
Machine's com-channels via Spotify. What a good job he met Justin
Long's character and became all tech-savvy in the last film, eh?
Man turns around to see War Machine, housing McClane’s slightly
singed smirk. His chest-mounted uni-beam glows and crackles,
channelling the suit’s entire battery. A single cataclysmic burst
of energy later, the fight ends.
and exhausted, McClane finds time for one more self-referential quip
as he extricates himself from the immobile exoskeleton.
know what a TV dinner feels like!”, he remarked, provoking no
laughter from the unconscious Stark nor from the audience that had
not heard the relevant remark that McClane had made only to himself
in a vent several years ago.
crowd, thought McClane, enjoying his newfound inner monologue. Still,
at least he could console himself with the fact that he was now
somehow unestranged from Aunt Imelda again because that’s how Die
Hard films work.
THE WINNER IS...
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY
FIGHT! FIGHT! will return in:
"SAME FIGHT TIME, SAME FIGHT CHANNEL."
you have any suggestions for who you'd like to see square go each
other in future FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! articles, please mention them