This blog celebrates the art of waking up with your enemy's blood on your face by pitching fictional characters against each other to decide once and for all who is supreme. There are fifty FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!s present for your consumption and education. Go nuts.
Monday, 4 February 2013
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! #17
this cretinous endeavour, and return to whence you came.
willing, we’ll overcome this terrible malady.
is this malcontent? This peacemongering?
used to be cool; Dark and edgy, like a rotten Satsuma.
you’re wearing primary colours and writing love letters in the sand
to Russell T. Davies.
lost it. All this talk of dramatic contrast, these claims that
darkness needs light, none of it is true.
talk of contrasts, how about this?
me put it this way:
anyone whose favourite scenes in Lord
of the Rings are the ones
set in Hobbiton?
they are. For Captain Jack Harkness has been a Time Agent, a conman,
a soldier, and the leader of a morally dubious gang who harvest alien
tech for the noblest of goals of the British Empire, namely: the
abuse of power, deviance and splendid isolation. He is used to
adapting whatever is to hand and turning it into a weapon, be it a
cheeky smile, a telepathy-enhancing locket, or a convenient grandson.
he is the kind of man who will rescue his team from a gang of
psychopathic cannibals by driving through the wall of their hideout
with a tractor and then shotgunning them through the knees in
slow-motion. And this is if he doesn’t
like you. Heaven help you
if he loves you.
Jack Sparrow is a dab hand with a cutlass. He is also a jab hand with
a cutlass, which is much more useful. His boat has got cannons on it,
and these go boom; he has access to pistols, and pirates, and
red-coated-red-shirts, and these can also go boom; his rumbunctious
attitude to rum can be utilised as fuel (also boom), the empty
bottles can be adapted into a short-range weapon (more of a
‘ptttthhhcccckOHGODMYEYE’ noise). Mainly though, he talks very
quickly and runs away a lot.
BACK: WHO HAS IT?
back is a well-worn playing field of disparate allegiances. The
Doctor (unreliably reliable), Torchwood (reliably unreliable),
Captain John (un-non-unreliable-ish), and that bloke from ERset permanently to snarlmode (reliable, but everyone ignores him). The one feature you should
note from this list is the collective body count that can be
attributed to it. We’re talking trillions, and most of them come
from the one trying his best to be a pacifist.
has the backing of numerous pirates, including the redoubtable First
Mate of the Black Pearl, Gibbs (the inspiration for the character of
Badger in Wind in the
Willows), sea turtles,
the scintillating effervescence of Orlando Bloom, and Geoffrey Rush
letting off steam and cackling like a mad ‘un (or, as an unkind
person might put it, someone desperately trying to cram some small
ingot of entertainment into the void). While this isn’t completely
impressive, Sparrow is the only character in the franchise who will
definitely never be killed off properly, because that would be like a
child kicking Santa to death.
characters have died and come back to life, dabbled in immortality,
been a tad morally ambiguous, and shaved swearwords into the fur of
you are in the proximity of Harkness and receive a sudden burst of
character development, you are almost certainly going to die soon.
you are in the proximity of Sparrow and receive a sudden burst of
character development, you are almost certainly going to die soon,
especially if you are one of the good characters from the first film.
tie. It has become clear that epic fisticuffs are in order to
separate these two.
two Captain Jacks have sex while fighting. They explode.
THE WINNER IS...
CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS
a while his body reassembles itself, but he will always be haunted by
his past etc. etc.
FIGHT! FIGHT! will return in:
"IANTO IS DEAD AND FICTIONAL. GET OVER IT."
you have any suggestions for who you'd like to see square go each
other in future FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! articles, please mention them