Monday, 4 February 2013

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! #17



Cease this cretinous endeavour, and return to whence you came.



God willing, we’ll overcome this terrible malady.



What is this malcontent? This peacemongering?



You used to be cool; Dark and edgy, like a rotten Satsuma.



Now you’re wearing primary colours and writing love letters in the sand to Russell T. Davies.



You’ve lost it. All this talk of dramatic contrast, these claims that darkness needs light, none of it is true.



You talk of contrasts, how about this?



Dark.

Darker.

Fighting.

FIGHTING.



Let me put it this way:



Name anyone whose favourite scenes in Lord of the Rings are the ones set in Hobbiton?



Even the word ‘pacifist’ has ‘fist’ in it.



Men sweat. Ladies perspire.



Everyone bleeds.

FIGHT #17

 


CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS
vs
CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW

 

WHO THEY THEN? 



Captain Jack Harkness is the shy and retiring leader of the endearingly shambolic band of paranormal investigators, Torchwood: Cardiff. Like The Goodies, they do anything, any time. Unlike The Goodies, they frequently die horribly, are yet to taste chart success, and have sordid adventures featuring Sex Gas Nobbing Monsters. Captain Jack Harkness appears in the TV series Doctor Who and Torchwood.



Captain Jack Sparrow is the shy and retiring leader of the Black Pearl, a frazzled and inspired pirate of irregular repute, he can be found swaggering about the Caribbean with tepid romance subplots and that bloke from the sitcom Dad in the popular film series The Increasingly Shit Adventures of Johnny Depp.


THEY PACKING MUCH HEAT?


Indeed they are. For Captain Jack Harkness has been a Time Agent, a conman, a soldier, and the leader of a morally dubious gang who harvest alien tech for the noblest of goals of the British Empire, namely: the abuse of power, deviance and splendid isolation. He is used to adapting whatever is to hand and turning it into a weapon, be it a cheeky smile, a telepathy-enhancing locket, or a convenient grandson.

Also he is the kind of man who will rescue his team from a gang of psychopathic cannibals by driving through the wall of their hideout with a tractor and then shotgunning them through the knees in slow-motion. And this is if he doesn’t like you. Heaven help you if he loves you. 



Captain Jack Sparrow is a dab hand with a cutlass. He is also a jab hand with a cutlass, which is much more useful. His boat has got cannons on it, and these go boom; he has access to pistols, and pirates, and red-coated-red-shirts, and these can also go boom; his rumbunctious attitude to rum can be utilised as fuel (also boom), the empty bottles can be adapted into a short-range weapon (more of a ‘ptttthhhcccckOHGODMYEYE’ noise). Mainly though, he talks very quickly and runs away a lot.

Harkness wins.




THEIR BACK: WHO HAS IT?


Harkness’ back is a well-worn playing field of disparate allegiances. The Doctor (unreliably reliable), Torchwood (reliably unreliable), Captain John (un-non-unreliable-ish), and that bloke from ER set permanently to snarl mode (reliable, but everyone ignores him). The one feature you should note from this list is the collective body count that can be attributed to it. We’re talking trillions, and most of them come from the one trying his best to be a pacifist.

Sparrow has the backing of numerous pirates, including the redoubtable First Mate of the Black Pearl, Gibbs (the inspiration for the character of Badger in Wind in the Willows), sea turtles, the scintillating effervescence of Orlando Bloom, and Geoffrey Rush letting off steam and cackling like a mad ‘un (or, as an unkind person might put it, someone desperately trying to cram some small ingot of entertainment into the void). While this isn’t completely impressive, Sparrow is the only character in the franchise who will definitely never be killed off properly, because that would be like a child kicking Santa to death.

Sparrow wins.


NUANCES AND WHATNOT



Both characters have died and come back to life, dabbled in immortality, been a tad morally ambiguous, and shaved swearwords into the fur of dogs.

If you are in the proximity of Harkness and receive a sudden burst of character development, you are almost certainly going to die soon. Possibly twice.

If you are in the proximity of Sparrow and receive a sudden burst of character development, you are almost certainly going to die soon, especially if you are one of the good characters from the first film.

A tie. It has become clear that epic fisticuffs are in order to separate these two.



IT'S CLOBBERING TIME

 

The two Captain Jacks have sex while fighting. They explode.



AND THE WINNER IS...

  

  CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS



After a while his body reassembles itself, but he will always be haunted by his past etc. etc.

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! will return in:

"IANTO IS DEAD AND FICTIONAL. GET OVER IT."

If you have any suggestions for who you'd like to see square go each other in future FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! articles, please mention them below.

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