This blog celebrates the art of waking up with your enemy's blood on your face by pitching fictional characters against each other to decide once and for all who is supreme. There are fifty FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!s present for your consumption and education. Go nuts.
amidst the churn and the endless stormy seas that toss and palpate
our precious characters across the endless turmoil that is their
actor's contracts, we find death.
because something is being broadcast into the eyes and mouths of a
people ingesting fish fingers served in a cross-hatching of potato
waffles (possibly with a fried egg) doesn't mean it can't feature
Cody Willis gets shot.
Bradley jumps off a building and misses every soft object in the
TRAM CRASH DIRECTED BY GRAEME HARPER.
of course, the episodedirected
by Lucio Fulci where Beth Jordache has the entirety of Brookside
Parade shoved slowly into her eye.
WarrenFox is an angry man from the popular early evening telly programme
He is eternal. He cannot die. Many have tried to destroy him, but he
shalt always return.
may say that Hollyoaks is
not a show that falls under this blog's remit. To you I say, 'Fie.'
most definitely a fantasy series, and resembles nothing more than the
Beta Test version of The Matrix itself.
The Borg are a cybernetic race from the Star Trekseries, mainly
featuring in The Next
Generation and Voyager.
They travel around assimilating people into their gestalt hypercubes,
mainly because they got the hang of Lego but Technic and Meccano were
PACKING MUCH HEAT?
Borg’s heat is an insidious bastard. They do not wish to kill you,
but instead assimilate you into their collective intelligence. It is
annoyingly difficult to kill them without the powers of narrative
necessity; such is their adaptability when confronted with potential
they will often stun a victim in order to simplify the process of
assimilation, or instead inject nano-machinery to convert on the
move, an idea they may have got from QVC.
can deploy hired muscle, actual muscles, a big ol’ sneery face,
guns, knives and a variety of blunt objects. Not only is he good at
killing things, he is good at covering his tracks, preferably in
convoluted and over the top ways.
After all, why be dramatic when you can be MELODRAMATIC?
BACK: WHO HAS IT?
Borg have no need of back-having, for they will simply assimilate
everyone until your back is their back, which they have. Even if they
did, hypothetically, need someone to have their backs due to some
numerically monikered assimilation-proof dickheads getting all up in
their various grills, why! They would almost certainly try to convert
whoever they had placed on spine-maintainance duties as soon as it
was logical to do so.
on the other hand, has a revolving door of posterior-preservers. Many
of them have died in a hail of double-crosses and violent
Borg’s origins are unknown. The least popular theory states that
they are an offshoot of 4chan gone rogue.
has no known nuances.
first person the Borg encounter is Brendan, the lovable Irish homophobic serial killing gay guy with a big moustache. He is assimilated, but
not before killing three borg, sleeping with one of them, and then
entering into a protection racket with a fourth. The assimilation of
Brendan does weird things to the Borg.
being released from prison for asking really nicely, Warren returns
to Chester to discover the entire suburb has been assimilated into a
new Brendan/Borg hybrid.
is understandably furious, but then Warren is always furious so this
is not really a shock to anyone. As the police are too busy worrying
about an incursion into Chester's thriving suburban youth culture and
the fact that this completely fucks up the continuity established in
Warren has free reign to set about the Brendan/Borg with a big metal stick,
and thus ensues a barbarous afternoon complete with satisfying
clanking noises, the spurting of hydraulic fluids, and an ambiguous
the Borg adjust to having Brendan among their collective, and start
acting accordingly. In order to defeat Warren they embark upon a
logical course of action:
they reveal Warren's long-lost brother Mitzpha is staying at their
house for a few days, and they've really hit it off. Meanwhile they
rob a Post Office and a Poundland in order to raise the cash to buy
the internet domain http://www.warrenfoxsmellslikecocks.com in order
to annoy and humiliate Warren, then beat a tramp to death and leave
Warren's library card in his pants before dumping the body outside a
is understandably angry at this series of events, and takes his anger
out on one of the new characters that the Production Team have
decided isn't going anywhere, before drawing a handlebar moustache on
his face with marker pen and wandering around town saying 'Begorah,
begorah, I totally did her in so I did' before being confronted by
one of Brendan's ex-boyfriends, who happened to be passing despite
having never been to Chester before. Passionate to rekindle the
relationship where it left off, Warren must play along or else his
elaborate scheme will be rumbled. If only Brendan's son hadn't been
parachuted in by the Irish Airforce as part of a surprise manhood
initiation ceremony, then Warren wouldn't have been physically
attacked in the street by Brendan's ex-wife who got a phone call from
a mysterious stranger telling her that her insane lust for gold would
soon be answered if she arrived in Chester that day.
with this onslaught of unfortunate circumstances, Warren finds it
difficult to maintain this charade, but despite being kissed and
hugged and slapped repeatedly manages to incriminate Brendan for the
murder of whatserface. At which point Brendan/Borg turn up to
reveal that it was them who were behind everything that just happened
at which point the police turn up, see double, and promptly arrest
every mirror in the city for murder.
takes advantage of the confusion by holding Brendan's ex-wife,
ex-boyfriend and ex-child hostage, at which point the Borg assimilate
them all and leave Warren without any bargaining power.
Borg seizes the moment, punching Warren in the gut, embracing
him, kissing him, announcing that Warren is his father, and smashing
a fist into his face andthrough his brain.
Warren will somehow survive this and come back to Hollyoaks
about six months, for now the Brorg are free to roam Chester
assimilating at will.
THE WINNER IS...
FIGHT! FIGHT! will return in:
"YOU CALL THAT A GUN? THIS IS A-"
you have any suggestions for who you'd like to see square go each
other in future FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! articles, please mention them