Monday, 28 January 2013

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! #16

The Star Trek consultant on this week's FIGHT was Louise Hughes.


It never ceases to amaze.

Soap. Opera. The Wagnerian meets Wagbo.

For amidst the churn and the endless stormy seas that toss and palpate our precious characters across the endless turmoil that is their actor's contracts, we find death.

Just because something is being broadcast into the eyes and mouths of a people ingesting fish fingers served in a cross-hatching of potato waffles (possibly with a fried egg) doesn't mean it can't feature murderdeathkills galore.

Neighbours
Cody Willis gets shot.

Eastenders
Bradley jumps off a building and misses every soft object in the world.

Coronation Street
TRAM CRASH DIRECTED BY GRAEME HARPER.

And of course, the episode directed by Lucio Fulci where Beth Jordache has the entirety of Brookside Parade shoved slowly into her eye.

FIGHT #16


  WARREN 

 vs

THE BORG

 

WHO THEY THEN? 



Warren Fox is an angry man from the popular early evening telly programme Hollyoaks. He is eternal. He cannot die. Many have tried to destroy him, but he shalt always return.

You may say that Hollyoaks is not a show that falls under this blog's remit. To you I say, 'Fie.' Hollyoaks is most definitely a fantasy series, and resembles nothing more than the Beta Test version of The Matrix itself.



The Borg are a cybernetic race from the Star Trek series, mainly featuring in The Next Generation and Voyager. They travel around assimilating people into their gestalt hypercubes, mainly because they got the hang of Lego but Technic and Meccano were beyond them.


THEY PACKING MUCH HEAT?



The Borg’s heat is an insidious bastard. They do not wish to kill you, but instead assimilate you into their collective intelligence. It is annoyingly difficult to kill them without the powers of narrative necessity; such is their adaptability when confronted with potential pwnage.

Thus, they will often stun a victim in order to simplify the process of assimilation, or instead inject nano-machinery to convert on the move, an idea they may have got from QVC.

Warren can deploy hired muscle, actual muscles, a big ol’ sneery face, guns, knives and a variety of blunt objects. Not only is he good at killing things, he is good at covering his tracks, preferably in convoluted and over the top ways.

After all, why be dramatic when you can be MELODRAMATIC?


THEIR BACK: WHO HAS IT?


The Borg have no need of back-having, for they will simply assimilate everyone until your back is their back, which they have. Even if they did, hypothetically, need someone to have their backs due to some numerically monikered assimilation-proof dickheads getting all up in their various grills, why! They would almost certainly try to convert whoever they had placed on spine-maintainance duties as soon as it was logical to do so.

Warren, on the other hand, has a revolving door of posterior-preservers. Many of them have died in a hail of double-crosses and violent pre-watershed deaths.


NUANCES AND WHATNOT


The Borg’s origins are unknown. The least popular theory states that they are an offshoot of 4chan gone rogue.

Warren has no known nuances.



IT'S CLOBBERING TIME

 

The first person the Borg encounter is Brendan, the lovable Irish homophobic serial killing gay guy with a big moustache. He is assimilated, but not before killing three borg, sleeping with one of them, and then entering into a protection racket with a fourth. The assimilation of Brendan does weird things to the Borg.

Upon being released from prison for asking really nicely, Warren returns to Chester to discover the entire suburb has been assimilated into a new Brendan/Borg hybrid.

Warren is understandably furious, but then Warren is always furious so this is not really a shock to anyone. As the police are too busy worrying about an incursion into Chester's thriving suburban youth culture and the fact that this completely fucks up the continuity established in First Contact, Warren has free reign to set about the Brendan/Borg with a big metal stick, and thus ensues a barbarous afternoon complete with satisfying clanking noises, the spurting of hydraulic fluids, and an ambiguous masticating sound.

Eventually the Borg adjust to having Brendan among their collective, and start acting accordingly. In order to defeat Warren they embark upon a logical course of action:

Firstly they reveal Warren's long-lost brother Mitzpha is staying at their house for a few days, and they've really hit it off. Meanwhile they rob a Post Office and a Poundland in order to raise the cash to buy the internet domain http://www.warrenfoxsmellslikecocks.com in order to annoy and humiliate Warren, then beat a tramp to death and leave Warren's library card in his pants before dumping the body outside a Little Chef.

Warren is understandably angry at this series of events, and takes his anger out on one of the new characters that the Production Team have decided isn't going anywhere, before drawing a handlebar moustache on his face with marker pen and wandering around town saying 'Begorah, begorah, I totally did her in so I did' before being confronted by one of Brendan's ex-boyfriends, who happened to be passing despite having never been to Chester before. Passionate to rekindle the relationship where it left off, Warren must play along or else his elaborate scheme will be rumbled. If only Brendan's son hadn't been parachuted in by the Irish Airforce as part of a surprise manhood initiation ceremony, then Warren wouldn't have been physically attacked in the street by Brendan's ex-wife who got a phone call from a mysterious stranger telling her that her insane lust for gold would soon be answered if she arrived in Chester that day.

Faced with this onslaught of unfortunate circumstances, Warren finds it difficult to maintain this charade, but despite being kissed and hugged and slapped repeatedly manages to incriminate Brendan for the murder of whatserface. At which point Brendan/Borg turn up to reveal that it was them who were behind everything that just happened at which point the police turn up, see double, and promptly arrest every mirror in the city for murder.

Warren takes advantage of the confusion by holding Brendan's ex-wife, ex-boyfriend and ex-child hostage, at which point the Borg assimilate them all and leave Warren without any bargaining power.

Brendan Borg seizes the moment, punching Warren in the gut, embracing him, kissing him, announcing that Warren is his father, and smashing a fist into his face and through his brain.

While Warren will somehow survive this and come back to Hollyoaks in about six months, for now the Brorg are free to roam Chester assimilating at will.


AND THE WINNER IS...

  

  THE BORG




FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! will return in:

"YOU CALL THAT A GUN? THIS IS A-"

If you have any suggestions for who you'd like to see square go each other in future FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! articles, please mention them below.

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