This blog celebrates the art of waking up with your enemy's blood on your face by pitching fictional characters against each other to decide once and for all who is supreme. There are fifty FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!s present for your consumption and education. Go nuts.
Monday, 7 January 2013
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! #13
cogitate sometimes, sure.
don't go assuming I'm just a big beardy handsome thinking machine, oh
real reason I do it is so I can put my fingers near my nose.
matter how much I scrub, blood is stubborn.
gets under the nails, doesn't it? Stays there.
lingers, reminds you of past glories. Leering grins of bloody gums
and squint monuments to the enduring power of enamel.
all, when someone grabs your hand, and makes you punch your own face,
'Stop hitting yourself!'
The only sane
is to wrestle free,
and then start
'ARE YOU HAPPY?
THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED.'
It pleases me to remember the looks
on their faces, as I do whenever I look in a mirror or smell the
bloody underscore left on my broken digits.
I'm tired. Go read Starship Troopers or something.
is an alien who likes testing itself against massive bastards to see
how hard it is. It appears in the film Predator.
And also Predator 2.
And no other films. And lots of comics and books and computer games.
But definitely no other films. Ever.
PACKING MUCH HEAT?
is not packing much heat. He can read, and so is well informed of the
many methods of despatching enemies available in Andy McNab novels.
While misanthropic, he remains a demon at Poohsticks, and is rarely
is all about the heat, however. Cloaking Device camouflage, energy
weapons, many spikes (we've already seen how potent they can be on
this blog), and thermal imaging. It can take out Carl Weathers (or,
to give him his birth name: Carl Goddamn Weathers).
BACK: WHO HAS IT?
has many friends in the Hundred Acre Wood (not to be confused with
the Hundred Dacre Wood, from which no man has emerged sane). Pooh (a
bear of very little brain), Piglet, Owl, Kanga, Roo, Tigger, Rabbit
and Christopher Robin are a tight knit group who have faced down
hephalumps, storms, and Pooh's crippling Hunny addiction. When
adversity (Diversity’s evil rival dance troupe) strikes, these
friends will band together to make Eeyore a new piece of sheltered
has other Predators, sometimes, which are like Predator but over
has, on occasion, had a similar voice to Optimus
But then again, so has Predator. Unlike Predator, Eeyore has a
detachable tail with a pink bow on it, and enjoys the taste of
thistles (he will, therefore, probably be a fan of the Black Isle Brewery).
respect can be earned by fighting prowess; the hunt is nothing
personal, but a test of the Predator. If they fail that test, their
prey will be left alone, and given their pick of all the cool toys
the Predators have collected over the years. So, all in all, if you
find yourself being confronted by one of their race, there's a bonus
incentive for you not to get horribly killed.
Predator stalks through the Hundred Acre Wood, and arrives at the
area mapped as “Eeyore's Gloomy Place: Rather Boggy and Sad”
awaiting a chance to test his mettle against the strange creatures of
scans the area for traces of body heat. Birds flutter past
harmlessly, small mammals forage for food in the undergrowth and
store it in trees and burrows. They may provide brief sustenance
should this be a protracted hunt. Otherwise he sees no useful
lifeforms using thermal imaging.
this there are obvious signs of primitive life: a lean-to wooden
shelter, a wing-written note, a small sad looking amount of red
plastic, and an empty vessel. It is uncertain whether the lifeforms
in charge of these will provide adequate sport.
can go hang. Something moved. From the lean-to a small creature
scampers away on two legs. Predator fires. Red plasma disintegrates
the hut in a shower of fire and splinters, followed by a high pitched
yelp and the smell of frying bacon.
is down. Maimed. The Predator’s mandibles extend, like an
unclenched stapler remover. It roars, and Piglet weeps for his
inevitable forthcoming fate.
Predator advances on the weeping mass of porcine inadequacy.
Predator collapses into the pit of sharpened spikes, dug out by the
other animals in front of Eeyore’s house to the donkey’s precise
ceases weeping, and lets loose an unholy grunt of guttural pleasure.
lo, he is Piglet, and he is hardcore.
Predator is bleeding, his organs punctured, but the pit is not deep.
He can retrieve this situation and rupture the hell out of these
small furry woodland creatures. And, by all that is pure and
dreadful, he will dismember the pig using methods most foul.
is interrupted from these pleasant thoughts by the sound of a morose
voice muttering ‘Get to the chopper’ with an air of complete and
is a sound like a spring flexing, and childish laughter, followed by
the ominous creak of timber. The Predator looks up, and fires all his
weapons in panic at the onrushing sharpened branch. It is to no
branch and its flying splinters smash and slash into the alien,
fatally knocking a massive hole in its face with a satisfying
‘krsspllcccssssh…wump…psttth’ sound, as its brains slide out
and are impaled on a spike.
a depressingly stupid killing machine,’ says Eeyore, emerging from
the trees. “No brains. Only grey fluff that's blown into their
heads by mistake.”
screams Piglet, “I am in an exquisite amount of agony.”
think this mud is drying on,” says Rabbit, “Still, at least it
stopped the Predator picking up on our body heat.”
soft toys,” sighs Eeyore, “We don’t have any body heat.”
yes,” says Rabbit, “Why did we do that then?”
think it was just going that way,” says Tigger, who has drawn
totemic emblems in mud across his face.
has fashioned a stray branch into a makeshift crutch, and is hobbling
towards the group.
BOOGAH. That mothersonofabitch got itself pwned."
were very brave Piglet,” says Pooh, “Let’s go home and
cauterize that wound.”
cheers. Eeyore is left by the shattered remains of his house with the
equally shattered body of his enemy.
surveys the carnage.
dear." he says, and exhales dejectedly.
THE WINNER IS...
FIGHT! FIGHT! will return in:
"IF YOU BLEED ME NOW, YOU TAKE AWAY THE BIGGEST PART OF ME"
you have any suggestions for who you'd like to see square go each
other in future FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! articles, please mention them