Monday, 7 January 2013

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! #13

I cogitate sometimes, sure.

But don't go assuming I'm just a big beardy handsome thinking machine, oh no.

The real reason I do it is so I can put my fingers near my nose.

No matter how much I scrub, blood is stubborn.

It gets under the nails, doesn't it? Stays there.

Scent lingers, reminds you of past glories. Leering grins of bloody gums and squint monuments to the enduring power of enamel.

After all, when someone grabs your hand, and makes you punch your own face, 
saying 

'Stop hitting yourself!'

The only sane response
 is to wrestle free, 
and then start hitting yourself
yelling:

'ARE YOU HAPPY?
HAPPY NOW?
THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED.'

It pleases me to remember the looks on their faces, as I do whenever I look in a mirror or smell the bloody underscore left on my broken digits.

Look, I'm tired. Go read Starship Troopers or something.

FIGHT #13

 


EEYORE
vs
PREDATOR

 

WHO THEY THEN? 



Eeyore is a stuffed, grey donkey and friend of Pooh Bear. He appears in the Winnie the Pooh books by A. A. Milne and the accompanying Disney animations.



 
Predator is an alien who likes testing itself against massive bastards to see how hard it is. It appears in the film Predator. And also Predator 2. And Predators. And no other films. And lots of comics and books and computer games. But definitely no other films. Ever.



THEY PACKING MUCH HEAT?


Eeyore is not packing much heat. He can read, and so is well informed of the many methods of despatching enemies available in Andy McNab novels. While misanthropic, he remains a demon at Poohsticks, and is rarely bested.

Predator is all about the heat, however. Cloaking Device camouflage, energy weapons, many spikes (we've already seen how potent they can be on this blog), and thermal imaging. It can take out Carl Weathers (or, to give him his birth name: Carl Goddamn Weathers).

Predator wins.



THEIR BACK: WHO HAS IT?


Eeyore has many friends in the Hundred Acre Wood (not to be confused with the Hundred Dacre Wood, from which no man has emerged sane). Pooh (a bear of very little brain), Piglet, Owl, Kanga, Roo, Tigger, Rabbit and Christopher Robin are a tight knit group who have faced down hephalumps, storms, and Pooh's crippling Hunny addiction. When adversity (Diversity’s evil rival dance troupe) strikes, these friends will band together to make Eeyore a new piece of sheltered accommodation.

Predator has other Predators, sometimes, which are like Predator but over there.

Eeyore wins.

NUANCES AND WHATNOT


Eeyore has, on occasion, had a similar voice to Optimus Prime. But then again, so has Predator. Unlike Predator, Eeyore has a detachable tail with a pink bow on it, and enjoys the taste of thistles (he will, therefore, probably be a fan of the Black Isle Brewery).

Predators' respect can be earned by fighting prowess; the hunt is nothing personal, but a test of the Predator. If they fail that test, their prey will be left alone, and given their pick of all the cool toys the Predators have collected over the years. So, all in all, if you find yourself being confronted by one of their race, there's a bonus incentive for you not to get horribly killed.


IT'S CLOBBERING TIME

 

The Predator stalks through the Hundred Acre Wood, and arrives at the area mapped as “Eeyore's Gloomy Place: Rather Boggy and Sad” awaiting a chance to test his mettle against the strange creatures of this world.

He scans the area for traces of body heat. Birds flutter past harmlessly, small mammals forage for food in the undergrowth and store it in trees and burrows. They may provide brief sustenance should this be a protracted hunt. Otherwise he sees no useful lifeforms using thermal imaging.

Despite this there are obvious signs of primitive life: a lean-to wooden shelter, a wing-written note, a small sad looking amount of red plastic, and an empty vessel. It is uncertain whether the lifeforms in charge of these will provide adequate sport.

Philosophy can go hang. Something moved. From the lean-to a small creature scampers away on two legs. Predator fires. Red plasma disintegrates the hut in a shower of fire and splinters, followed by a high pitched yelp and the smell of frying bacon.

Piglet is down. Maimed. The Predator’s mandibles extend, like an unclenched stapler remover. It roars, and Piglet weeps for his inevitable forthcoming fate.

The Predator advances on the weeping mass of porcine inadequacy.

The Predator collapses into the pit of sharpened spikes, dug out by the other animals in front of Eeyore’s house to the donkey’s precise instructions.

Piglet ceases weeping, and lets loose an unholy grunt of guttural pleasure.

For lo, he is Piglet, and he is hardcore.

The Predator is bleeding, his organs punctured, but the pit is not deep. He can retrieve this situation and rupture the hell out of these small furry woodland creatures. And, by all that is pure and dreadful, he will dismember the pig using methods most foul.

He is interrupted from these pleasant thoughts by the sound of a morose voice muttering ‘Get to the chopper’ with an air of complete and total resignation.

There is a sound like a spring flexing, and childish laughter, followed by the ominous creak of timber. The Predator looks up, and fires all his weapons in panic at the onrushing sharpened branch. It is to no avail.

The branch and its flying splinters smash and slash into the alien, fatally knocking a massive hole in its face with a satisfying ‘krsspllcccssssh…wump…psttth’ sound, as its brains slide out and are impaled on a spike.

What a depressingly stupid killing machine,’ says Eeyore, emerging from the trees. “No brains. Only grey fluff that's blown into their heads by mistake.”

Aaaaaaaaagh,” screams Piglet, “I am in an exquisite amount of agony.”
I think this mud is drying on,” says Rabbit, “Still, at least it stopped the Predator picking up on our body heat.”
We’re soft toys,” sighs Eeyore, “We don’t have any body heat.”
Oh yes,” says Rabbit, “Why did we do that then?”
I think it was just going that way,” says Tigger, who has drawn totemic emblems in mud across his face.

Piglet has fashioned a stray branch into a makeshift crutch, and is hobbling towards the group.

"OOGAH BOOGAH. That mothersonofabitch got itself pwned."

You were very brave Piglet,” says Pooh, “Let’s go home and cauterize that wound.”

Everyone cheers. Eeyore is left by the shattered remains of his house with the equally shattered body of his enemy.

He surveys the carnage.

"Oh dear." he says, and exhales dejectedly.



AND THE WINNER IS...

  

  EEYORE



FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! will return in:


"IF YOU BLEED ME NOW, YOU TAKE AWAY THE BIGGEST PART OF ME"

If you have any suggestions for who you'd like to see square go each other in future FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! articles, please mention them below.

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