Monday, 3 December 2012


This week's FIGHT is written by Matt Edwards.

New York City. 

The Big Apple. 

The city so nice, they named it twice. 

The place in America with all the fighting and that.

New York has a reputation for violence, so much so that on its initial release, John Carpenter’s Escape From New York was billed as a legitimate documentary from the future and no one was surprised. 

You have more chance of being kissed by Steven Seagal while winning the lottery and being struck by lightning than you do of spending a full minute on any New York street without brawling with a hobo.

New York is home to Madison Square Garden, one of the world’s most famous event venues which hosts boxing matches and pro wrestling shows. 

New York gangster rappers are constantly prattling on about how the streets are awash with pec-pecked tough guys brapping each other senseless. 

During my own trips to New York I’ve personally witnessed some very aggressive jostling in Starbucks.

It is little wonder that NYC is something of a vigilante hotbed. How brilliant, then, would it be if two of the most unhinged fictional New York vigilantes had a dust up?

This chuffing brilliant, that's how:






Travis Bickle is that guy off of Martin Scorsese’s Taxi Driver. Some of you might argue that he has no business being here because he isn’t a sci-fi/fantasy character, but he’s got a Mohawk so I’m not really sure what your problem is. Bickle is a New York taxi driver and the film about him is basically an ode to stewing in your own rage. Bickle is disgusted by everything he sees on the streets, so he gets some guns and becomes belligerent with his own reflection. He has a keen interest in politics and protecting teenage hookers.

Casey Jones is a former hockey player who, having picked up an injury, decided to take up a life of battering criminals with a variety of sports bats while wearing a hockey mask. His no mercy style of mugger-bludgeoning catches the eye of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Raphael. After a brief spell of face-punching, the two became fast friends. Jones spends his time adventuring with the Turtles, fighting henchmen and romancing news reporter/scientist (depending on what flavour of canon you prefer) April O’Neil.


Well Travis Bickle certainly is. If you check his Facebook profile, you’llfind that he’s currently listed as being ‘In a relationship with;his guns’. In fact, he loves his guns so much that other guns don’t get a look in, which has hampered his ability to accumulate a more fearsome arsenal. Still, he’s a man who has put together a small firearms set-up and is therefore well equipped for combat.

Casey Jones, on the other hand, has a sports equipment bag filled with a variety of bats, sticks and clubs. This means he’s prepared to do all sorts of damage to your skull. Is your face a hockey puck? Well then what Jones is doing to it is entirely inappropriate. Is your knee a baseball? Then someone should tell him not to do that. Do people regularly play golf with your gonads? Stop, Jones – he’s had enough.

Of course, when faced a gun, Jones is overmatched and will be forced to rely on his wits to avoid becoming riddled with bullets. Honestly, as a New York vigilante, you would expect him to be better prepared for firearms.


Bickle is something of a lone wolf. Lurking is a very much a solitary activity, and run down adult movie theatres are awful places to make new friends (trust me). Should Bickle find himself in a jam, he’s got no one.

He should take a cue from Casey Jones, who has the bloody Teenage  Mutant Ninja Turtles watching over him. Not bad, right? Four bad ass ninjas who are freaky mutated animals. Not only that, but they have further allies; Splinter (a rat), Usagi Yojimbo (a rabbit), Ray Fillet (a manta ray) and Mondo Gecko (a dickhead). This one isn’t a contest. Should outsiders get involved, Travis Bickle is in big trouble.


First of all, both of these guys are crazy. Unhinged, violent maniacs. Travis Bickle likes to intimidate furniture. Casey Jones doesn’t have thoughts, he has fight-deas. Anything could happen.

Another influential factor will be which Travis Bickle shows up. The Travis Bickle who pussied out of romancing a political campaigner isn’t going to be much good. He’s a gun shy pansy who, in a modern time such as this, would be more likely to write an all caps blog post than triumph in a scrap. But if he’s rocking the mohawk haircut? Well, we might just have a little war on our hands.

The most likely deciding element, though, will be experience. While Bickle has been doing push ups and aggressively narrating his day, Casey Jones has been in the streets, clocking up real combat hours.


This is the point where we run all the above information through our highly sophisticated computer program to establish the victor. If you're unhappy with this process, odds are you are really fundamentally unhappy about something else, and we cannot help you.


An abandoned New York street. A cold night. Darkness. Jones and Bickle.

Bickle immediately pulls a gun. Jones takes cover behind a parked car as Bickle opens fire. Bang. Bang. Bang. Jones doesn’t flinch until the window explodes – he’s showered with glass. Shakes it from his long brown hair. More shots.

Bickle is shooting from distance, a twisted expression on his face as he repeatedly squeezes the trigger. He’s not slowing down. He might want to, though, as he’s running through his ammunition and he’s not making any progress. He starts to move towards Jones, firing the whole time.

Jones peeks out from behind the car and spots Bickle approaching. He removes his bag of sports equipment. He’ll come back for it. He withdraws a baseball bat from the bag and throws it past Bickle to distract him. Bickle, tense and furious, all emotion, shoots at the bat, not thinking. He unloads rounds into it, leaving it a splintered mess.

He stops a moment. Takes in the bat. Turns just in time to see Jones make a run for it. They make eye contact – Jones stops, knows he’s done. Bickle raises his gun. Jones holds Bickle’s stare.

Click. Click. Click.

Bickle keeps squeezing, but no bang – just a click. He’s out of ammo. Jones grins. Game on.

Bickle attempts a boxing stance, but as he’s played by De Niro pre-Raging Bull, he hasn’t got a clue what he’s doing. Jones walks him down and immediately stuns him with a right cross. Bickle’s eyes roll back and he stops, stunned. Jones capitalises, wrestling his opponent to the ground.

With Jones poised to strike above him, Bickle kicks out, attempts to get hold of Jones’ hands; tries to initiate a scramble back to the feet. Jones holds strong, though, and lands a short punch into Bickles face. A second sends Bickles head bouncing off the concrete. His will broken, Bickle rolls to his side and covers his head. Jones machine-guns punches into Bickle’s face.

Jones stands, a moment passes and he returns with his hockey stick. He pulls it back, than smashes Bickle in the face. Bickle negotiates a breath, his face unrecognisable behind a wad of blood mucus and dislodged teeth. He coughs, then taps the floor to indicate submission.



FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! will return in:


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