Monday, 10 December 2012


This week's FIGHT is written by James Clayton.

Whatever happened to peace, love and understanding?

Why, sister, they took those bitches to the foot of the Statue of Liberty and shot them in the foot with a nailgun. Sold ‘em (for a grand total of £14.56 and a Sherbet DipDab) at the Cadaverly Carehome Car Boot Sale.

The abandoned husks now have a nice set of new jigsaws for the daycare room but, hey, enough about them and our flogged peace, love and understanding.

Right now we’re all about spreading sherbet and carnage.

Feel that fizzing on your tongue?

That’s the tantalising taste of ultraviolence, the buzz of bloodlust and the tang of war.

Or maybe it’s the atmosphere around you thickening, reacting and producing a new substance from your saliva that chokes and pummels your windpipe, as nature takes a sideways glance at man’s work, and thinks:

Suck it up, suckers ‘cause it’s time for FIGHTING.’

Fighting: a war spanning multiple-multiverses where mighty warriors will mess with each other’s bodies, minds and souls purely for your vicarious sadistic pleasure.

A world where even the air you breathe wants to hit you.

Are you intrigued?

Are you excited?

Are you stuck and in desperate need of a diversion from frustrating jigsaw puzzles with missing pieces?

If so, here’s this week’s wham-bam-slamboree for you to sample and stick your lollipop into.






Lady Rainicorn is both mythological creature and meteorological event. She is, as her name suggests, a rainicorn - a hybrid of rainbow and unicorn - from the Land of Ooo; A wondrous technicolour vision with long blonde hair and amazing magical abilities, the Lady is a peaceful sort who enjoys playing the viola in her free time when not adventuring or attending social gatherings. She communicates only in Korean and is currently in a long-term relationship with Jake the Dog. For further details, see the Adventure Time cartoon series.

Roy Batty is an android who does not dream of electric sheep but actually dreams of more life, fucker. A runaway from the Off-World colonies, this Tyrell Corporation, Nexus-6 Replicant is a mercurial muscular specimen of intense animal magnetism - the formidable Aryan embodiment of the advertising slogan “more human than human”. With his futuristic power clothing, shock of Cyberpunk Tintin hair and piercing Teutonic eyes, Batty is an unnerving bloke to run into on a dark acid rain-streaked evening in dystopian Los Angeles. For further details, see the novel Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?, and any cut of the Ridley Scott film BladeRunner, including the forthcoming ‘Visually sumptuous but incoherent bollocks’ edit.


Lady Rainicorn has a lethally sharp horn in the centre of her forehead which can fire chromatic light beams and be used to alter the colour of any object she aims it at. Her body intercepts beams of sunlight and ‘dances around’ on them, enabling her to fly, phase through walls, stretch herself and perform a whole array of other moves that defy the conventional laws of physics.

Her paradoxical signature secret move is the Rowdy Queen Rainicorn Wheel Roll.

Roy Batty prefers hand-to-hand combat and with his superhuman strength he’s confident that he can stand his ground against armed opposition. Alongside the ability to punch through brick walls, Batty was designed to withstand tremendous pain and will not flinch if you, say, shove a nail through his hand (he in fact relishes it because he’s a sadistic synthetic who finds the notion of sensation quite erotically stimulating, actually). He’s nimble, agile, rock hard and altogether an exemplary athletic model whose volatile moodswings are often accompanied by swiftly executed ultraviolence. His signature secret move: Oedipal Android Eye Gouge.

The Lady succeeds with flying colours and comes out on top in this round.


The Lady’s lover is Jake the Dog who can stretch into whatever shape he damn well pleases (this comes in handy when you’re trying to copulate with a flying band of coloured light). She also has the support of Jake’s adventuring shinobro, the underage hero Finn the Human. Additionally, she’s also backed by Princess Bubblegum and her Candy Kingdom subjects plus pretty much all the weird and wonderful characters who reside in the post-apocalyptic world of Ooo. They’re a colourful bunch.

Batty is backed by his renegade Nexus-6 cohorts, all of whom he lured away from a life of servitude under human masters on the Off-World colony. They are Pris - the femme fatale gymnastic “basic pleasure model” who looks like Daryl Hannah - Leon Kowalski who shoots people who ask him confusing questions about tortoises and Zhora the snake-dancer with crystal sequinned skin. They’re a colourful bunch.

Batty probably edges this one because even though they are outnumbered, superhuman android strength is always going to overcome an amassed army of anthropomorphic candies and cupcakes.


Once upon a time, rainicorns were known as creatures with an insatiable taste for human flesh but the Lady apparently doesn’t have a desire to feast on man meat. Roy Batty’s status as a synthetic human probably means that rainicorns would pass him up if the primitive hunger urges were to surface.

Being only able communicate in Korean coos has caused the Lady problems in the past and there’s a risk that potential allies may not be able to understand her without the aid of a Universal Translator. She may also be pregnant with Jake’s baby (a Puppy Rainicorn, or Painicorn, with the potential for more offspring leading to a Rainicornucopia) which makes her vulnerable both physically and mentally with extreme hormone surges a possibility. It’s not necessarily all bad news though: Rainicorn morning sickness - the ultimate technicolour yawn - is a real trip to behold.

As for Batty, there’s a chance that his brute aggression and determined drive may be tempered by poetic affectations which are further spurred by his overhanging existential crisis. The Nexus-6 model may become maudlin if it starts musing on its own curtailed mortality and inevitable artificially pre-ordained demise. The realisation of feelings, empathy and distractions like doves and the rain which inspire spontaneous philosophical monologues; these strip Roy of his fighting will.

Overall, both players have pacifist tendencies that may rise to the fore depending on mood and circumstance. That leaves question marks hanging over the anticipated encounter.


This is the point where we run all the above information through our highly sophisticated computer program to establish the victor. You can tell that the computer  program is sophisticated because, according to its Facebook profile, it likes Pre-Raphaelite art, Italian Neorealist cinema and “reading National Geographic while relaxing in a bathtub filled with patchouli oil, Schubert on the stereo and a grapefruit mimosa on the side”.


Both gladiators engage in a bit of light sparring and land some jabs and hoof blows as a sop to mainstream audiences but soon get weary and they decide to embrace their inner ‘artiste’. This takes some preparation and Rainicorn starts blowing suspicious-looking bubbles out of an ornamental pipe and listening to 8-bit covers of Creedence Clearwater Revival tracks while Batty strips half-naked and reads extracts from Nietzsche aloud.

After this five-hour interlude, both antagonists decide to be antagonistic and go at it again. Believing that the tears of a unicorn may bring him the additional life he craves - perhaps even the eternal sort - Batty starts to attack the Lady’s face with a shard of broken glass. She parries his thrusts with her unicorn horn and dazzles him by firing chromatic light bolts. The replicant is dazed and his iconic blonde hair turned a lurid shade of purple under this assault. He soon bounces back, however, and manages to catch the Lady’s left eye as she attempts an ill-advised somersault-sidekick combo.

Howling with pained anguish (or, more accurately, making hysterical Korean screaming noises) Rainicorn then goes berserk. Half-blinded, she bolts around the arena on a rampage, accidentally killing several spectators including Pris (skewered) and Peppermint Butler (shattered into a thousand fragments). Roy eventually gets the drop on her and wrestles her down to the ground, ripping off her horn to completely subdue his opponent.

Her essential vitality completely cowed, Lady Rainicorn melts away into a puddle of multicoloured misery before evaporating into the storm clouds now looming above. As the acid rain breaks Roy Batty gleefully stabs himself in the thigh with the Lady’s lost horn. He is euphoric, high on brutality and the sweet pain coursing through his finely-crafted body but the jubilation doesn’t last. He starts to feel the countdown to death within his core being and realises that the magical eye-juice will not work on a replicant. His victory is hollow and all these moments are lost like rainicorn tears in the acid rain. Thus, Batty sadly slopes off to the Ice King’s mountain palace peak to spend his final few hours contemplating the ultimate futility of it all.




Though there are rumours that Sir Ridley Scott is dissatisfied with the end result and has prepared an alternate Director’s Cut which suggests that Lady Rainicorn emerges as the true victor. Reports from insiders who’ve seen this version reference the repeat origami unicorn visual motif which is believed to represent rainicorn immortality and the species’ ability to transcend the mundane physical plane. You’ll have to wait until the 25th anniversary blu-ray release to get certain confirmation of this.

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! will return in:


If you have any suggestions for who you'd like to see square go each other in future FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! articles, please mention them below.

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