Monday, 26 November 2012


First there were single celled organisms.

Or God.

Or both. 

No-one’s ever really nailed that one.

So yeah, single-celled organisms. They were there. Do you know what happened next?

That's right.


And so here we all are.






  • Spike is a sassy, vivacious vampire with something vaguely resembling an English accent. He fancied Buffy Summers because he was a male alive in the late 1990s. James Marsters played him, and everyone agrees this was a good thing. You may have witnessed his adventures in the TV and comic book series (not a film. That never happened) Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

  • A spike is an object sharpened to a point. It has practical applications in art, masonry, torture, camping, writing love letters in the snow, violence, extracting flavour from seeds or pods, more torture, slowly pushing into a zombie’s eye, gardening, the construction of a rudimentary sun-dial, pointing at things and taunting the possessors of blunt things.


Spike is a vampire with a predilection for sex and violence, AKA ‘The Good Kind of Vampire’. If this were a fight between him and Edward Cullen then there would only be one winner: everybody.

As a being who can overpower the living and drink their succulent life juices, he has the whole pointy toothed hunter of weaklings thing down to a fine art. He got his nickname from torturing people with spikes, so he knows full well the damage they can do.

A spike is an inanimate object, but it in itself can be heat. The amount of heat depends on the spike's construction. For argument's sake let us say that this spike is about a foot long, is vaguely conical, and constructed from iron. You cannot reason with it, you cannot fight it, but you can run away from it kinda easily. It's a spike, it's just going to sit there unless someone intervenes.

Context is everything. No clear winner can be found here.


Spike has uneasily befriended the Scooby Gang after they got over that whole 'trying to kill us' thing that went down. He previously hung around with Drusilla and Angel when they went through their 'Bastard vampire bastards' phase, culminating in his amulet-based resurrection in the latter's spin-off show. Now he has his own comic book series. And is technically immortal anyway. In conclusion, many powerful and violent people have his back, he's bloody hard to kill, and if you did manage it he'd probably come back to life anyway.

No-one has a spike's back. Due to their dimensions it is quite hard to define what a spike's back is due to inconsistency in brandishing techniques. Certainly if someone is operating the spike that person can be said to have the spike's back, and the spike theirs. Sometimes the spike will be on the end of a long pole though, if the person involved is sufficiently wussy/sensible.

A spike isn't alive in the first place either, unless it's Elvish or something, and it isn't. You can't have elves fighting vampires, that's just silly (unless of course someone from Hollywood is reading this, in which case it's a 12A action film for the 2015 summer season with a 58% Fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and I've totally just bagsied writing it). The point is spikes are impossible to kill, but possibly to destroy. Irrespective of its construction, it is best to play it safe when eradicating spikes from this universe, and remember this one simple truth:


NB. Also works on non-spike objects/entities.


Spike vaguely resembles Billy Idol, the punk-pop upstart who embraced the possibilities of music videos.

Spikes were very popular in medieval torture devices, culminating in the purest form of the genre: the spike. A very patient torturer would force the victim onto the spike via their anal passage, forcing the body downwards while contriving to miss as many major organs as possible until the tip of the spike emerged at the other end of the alimentary canal. The subject would then slowly and agonisingly bleed to death while their gag reflex went off like crazy. Thus we have one of those rare situations where one might actually wish for a big rusty blood covered spike to puncture your lungs or heart, as relatively speaking that'd be a good way to go.

If you're ever in Prague, why not visit the Torture Museum? It really is very horrible.


This is the point where we run all the above information through our highly sophisticated computer program to establish the victor. Computers are like your partner, in that they operate using a logic that loads of other people seem to understand, but is a tad beyond you at this present moment. The important thing is that you're happy.

In the abtract realm of our fighting arena, Spike is confronted with a spike.

He says something pithy, and turns to leave, only to be confronted with an ethereal disembodied voice going 'Chicken. Buack buack buckawww'.

'It's a spike,' says Spike.
'You're a spike' say the voice.
'Yes, technically,' says Spike, 'Your point being?'
'Just beyond your grasp.'
'Bum off.'
'You're a bum off.'
'What does that even mean?'
'Shit off.'
'Angel would totally take the spike.'
'Angel's a funtycuckmuncher.'
'Shut up. I will not be menaced by a...non corporeal...mimsy...nodule.'
'Then fight like a man.'

Spike decides, at this point, to show the inanimate object who's boss (to whit, the animate object), so picks up the spike and throws it very hard into the wall. Due to its abstract qualities and the nature of belief, the arena is not well maintained when it not being visualised by readers of this blog, and has fallen into a state of disrepair. Thus, when an impact of sizeable force focused around a point of roughly one square millimetre, it is probably best to run very fast in the opposite direction, rather than swagger away smugly because you've outwitted a mysterious yet immature sharp thingy.

What a large piece of masonry it is that crushes Spike. What a very large piece of masonry indeed.


A Spike

The moral of the story being: do not fuck with spikes (either literally or metaphorically).

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! will return in:

Shit me hellwards it's a FIGHTING.

If you have any suggestions for who you'd like to see square go each other in future FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! articles, please mention them below.

Meanwhile, watch this tenuously related video:

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