Monday, 19 November 2012

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! #7


Picture the scene: 

Some apes on a beach, their sad eyes lamenting the degradation of humanity into a hairy shadow of its former self. 

One of them finishes stripping the flesh from a femur, and throws the bone high into the air. It twists and tumbles like a big bastard bludgeony leaf, and as it falls you realise it isn't a bone: 

It's a piston.

Not only did monkeys take over the world, but they did it by defeating our robot/cyborg overlords. 

WHO THE SHIT SAW THAT COMING?

I did. I do vaguely plan these out in advance you know.

Anyway, robots. 

The real aim of Artificial Intelligence is, of course, to create things that can beat the shit out of each other that don't have rights but do have simulated emotional responses. For what is fighting without emotion but the statistics sheet of a war?

With robots we can have all the desperation, excitement and all-pummelling-awesomeness we crave in our combat, but no-one actually gets hurt apart from the people who build the robots or who are emotionally invested in the robots or the entirety of the human race when our aggressive, subjugated fighting mechanoids decide to rise up and kill the hell out of everyone.

Still, it'll totes be worth it in the short term.

FIGHT #7: 

SIR KILLALOT vs
K9

 


WHO THEY THEN?


Sir Killalot is a big, heavy, tread-wheeled robot with many sharp objects attached to him. He looks quite aggrieved about a good many things. You may have seen him on Robot Wars.


K9 is several robot dogs who stringently obey the laws of narrative necessity. He is a companion of the Fourth Doctor and Sarah-Jane Smith. You may have seen him in Doctor Who, The Sarah-Jane Adventures, and also K9 & Company or K-9.

THEY PACKING MUCH HEAT?


Hells yeah.

K9 AKA ‘The Shooty Dog Thing’ has a laser in his nose. Assuming it is charged it can do loads of stuff. He can - through the power of wooden beams, overdubbing and complimentary editing – travel quickly and silently across any solid terrain. Apart from marshland. And beaches. And deserts. And slight slopes. And anything involving a ground clearance of more than 0.2 mm. If you’re a slow moving henchperson whose only line is ‘Ugh’, however, consider yourself K-Pwned.

Sir Killalot has weight and traction on his side, as well as a blade on a stick and a set of pincers taken from emergency rescue equipment. The blade was replaced with a drill. Then the pincers were made larger. Eventually, based on current trends, Sir Killalot will absorb the mass of Earth and become his own planet by 30,112 AD.

THEIR BACK: WHO HAS IT?


Sir Killalot’s cohorts are swayed by fear. Sgt. Bash, Matilda, DeadMetal and Shunt would follow Sir Killalot into the jaw’s of Hull and back. The only drawbacks are as follows:

  1. Fear will only get you so far as a leader.
  2. Sgt. Bash and Matilda were rubbish.

Item 2 was one of the unspoken truths shared by viewers of Robot Wars (the other one being 'If I don't build a robot then Phillipa Forrester is never going to talk to me'). If Sgt. Bash and Matilda were people they would be minor characters in TheLeague of Gentlemen: impotent derangemongers, undermining the nobility of combat by flailing around like irate whirligigs, dispensing pegs with all the fury of a teardrop. You'd walk by with Phillipa and try hastily to work out if she would be more impressed by disdain or charity. Turns out, it would be neither. She's married. Let it go. Let it go.

K9's friends include intrepid investigative journalist Sarah-Jane Smith, some plucky teenagers, aristocratic Time-Deviant and nose-tilter Romana, and that decreasingly enigmatic wanderer in time-and-space known as The Doctor. All of these people are more than capable of standing quite far away from robots with big spikes on them, although for once Sgt. Bash's flamethrower might turn out to be remotely useful. 

NUANCES AND WHATNOT


Sir Killalot’s lineage is dubious.

While hunting and crushing lesser creatures through the application of pain is a traditional pursuit of the hereditary gentry, Debrettes’ lacks any entry under ‘Killalot’, although there is a ‘Killalotte’ dynasty in Sussex. Generally considered too surly a killer to be part of the elite, Sir Killalot has never actually killed a fox and is a confirmed Vegan who has taken part in several marches for PETA.

It is has often been speculated, then, as to who knighted him, and doubt cast upon their logic. As all Sir Killalot is known for is killing a lot, and that one time he and Craig Charles went “fishing in Jerusalem without baiting their rods”, it’s hard to imagine what he was knighted for.

It is inadvisable to make a spin-off show based around K9.

Also, Adam Woodyatt once won a Celebrity Special of Robot Wars, beating such luminaries as Chris Eubank, Anthea Turner, Vic Reeves and 5ive.

IT'S CLOBBERING TIME 

This is the point where we run all the above information through our highly sophisticated computer program to establish the victor. You own your existence to such a program, so don't go getting all aggressive at it if you feel its done you a wrong.

You may want to imagine this bit being read by Jonathan Pearce.

Sir Killalot stands ready and primed. Smooth action. An almost sexual prowess for violence. It advances like a war of attrition.

Formidable. At the controls, an unknown malevolent sentience. Who knows what darkness lurks at the pneumatic heart of this, the darkest of dark Knights?

Opposite, sits the pun and metal heavy robot dog. His snout gun, way in advance of any technology that created Sir Killalot, is ready and poised. Only Professor Marius' intentions were ultimately more benign than whatever created Sir Killalot, albeit things went a bit wrong and the Doctor and Leela ended up fighting a big prawn inside Tom Baker's head of course.

3...
2...
1...

ACTIVATE.

K9 immediately firing his nose-mounted laser, there, and Sir Killalot's advance is halted. Or is it? No! You can see he is making infinitessimalishly small increments of movement in a forwardly direction, and within ten to twelve nano-fortnights may yet reach the prissy, programmable pooch. Or can he hold out for the duration?

In the event of this fight ending in a the decision will go to our panel of judges; Professor Noel Sharkey, Professor Martin Smith and Mat Irvine.

Doubtless they will remain impartial.

Sir Killalot's raised his arm! Let's have a look at that in slow motion and YES you can see there he clearly raises it upwards. I wonder what affect that will have on the judges' verdict should it come to that?

Sir Killalot is now within a yard of K9, and is starting to bring the arm down - look, yes, there it goes - and...any second now...there's the drill bit. Rotating and screwing and going around and around. Imagine that, if you would, in the soft skull of a baby cow, mincing its brains about. Unnecessary. Ashley Cole.

The clock counts down, but is it to oblivion or obscurity? Certainly this fight has been without merit in comparison to such legendary bouts such as Razor versus Chaos 2, or Lord Sluttington versus Wang Pow Thank you Mao.

K9's batteries are exhausted. Sir Killalot is yet to make physical contact with his opponent.

CEASE.


AND THE WINNER IS...

  K9

The judges' ruling is final. K9 actually managed to strike his opponent, and thus showed more aggression. Sir Killalot's nerdy yet eldritch creators vowed to return and revenge themselves upon K9, who is probably in need of a rebuild.



FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! will return in:

It's like dancing only you don't miss.

If you have any suggestions for who you'd like to see square go each other in future FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! articles, please mention them below.

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