This blog celebrates the art of waking up with your enemy's blood on your face by pitching fictional characters against each other to decide once and for all who is supreme. There are fifty FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!s present for your consumption and education. Go nuts.
Monday, 19 November 2012
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! #7
Some apes on a beach, their sad eyes lamenting the
degradation of humanity into a hairy shadow of its former self.
of them finishes stripping the flesh from a femur, and throws the
bone high into the air. It twists and tumbles like a big bastard
bludgeony leaf, and as it falls you realise it isn't a bone:
only did monkeys take over the world, but they did it by defeating
our robot/cyborg overlords.
WHO THE SHIT SAW THAT COMING?
did. I do vaguely plan these out in advance you know.
The real aim of Artificial Intelligence is, of course, to
create things that can beat the shit out of each other that don't
have rights but do have simulated emotional responses. For what is
fighting without emotion but the statistics sheet of a war?
robots we can have all the desperation, excitement and
all-pummelling-awesomeness we crave in our combat, but no-one
actually gets hurt apart from the people who build the robots or who
are emotionally invested in the robots or the entirety of the human
race when our aggressive, subjugated fighting mechanoids decide to
rise up and kill the hell out of everyone.
it'll totes be worth it in the short term.
Sir Killalot is a big, heavy, tread-wheeled robot with many sharp
objects attached to him. He looks quite aggrieved about a good many
things. Youmay have seen him on Robot
AKA ‘The Shooty Dog Thing’ has a laser in his nose. Assuming it
is charged it can do loads of stuff. He can - through the power of
wooden beams, overdubbing and complimentary editing – travel
quickly and silently across any solid terrain. Apart from marshland.
And beaches. And deserts. And slight slopes. And anything involving a
ground clearance of more than 0.2 mm. If you’re a slow moving
henchperson whose only line is ‘Ugh’, however, consider yourself
Killalot has weight and traction on his side, as well as a blade on a
stick and a set of pincers taken from emergency rescue equipment. The
blade was replaced with a drill. Then the pincers were made larger.
Eventually, based on current trends, Sir Killalot will absorb the
mass of Earth and become his own planet by 30,112 AD.
BACK: WHO HAS IT?
Killalot’s cohorts are swayed by fear. Sgt. Bash, Matilda, DeadMetal and Shunt would follow Sir Killalot into the jaw’s of Hull
and back. The only drawbacks are as follows:
will only get you so far as a leader.
Bash and Matilda were rubbish.
Item 2 was one of the unspoken
truths shared by viewers of Robot
other one being 'If I don't build a robot then Phillipa
is never going to talk to me'). If Sgt. Bash and Matilda were people
they would be minor characters in TheLeague of Gentlemen:
impotent derangemongers, undermining the nobility of combat by
flailing around like irate whirligigs, dispensing pegs with all the
fury of a teardrop. You'd walk by with Phillipa and try hastily to
work out if she would be more impressed by disdain or charity. Turns
out, it would be neither. She's married.
Let it go. Let it go.
friends include intrepid investigative journalist Sarah-Jane Smith,
some plucky teenagers, aristocratic Time-Deviant and nose-tilter
Romana, and that decreasingly enigmatic wanderer in time-and-space
known as The Doctor. All of these people are more than capable of
standing quite far away from robots with big spikes on them, although
for once Sgt. Bash's flamethrower might turn out to be remotely
Killalot’s lineage is dubious.
hunting and crushing lesser creatures through the application of pain
is a traditional pursuit of the hereditary gentry, Debrettes’
lacks any entry under
‘Killalot’, although there is a ‘Killalotte’ dynasty in
Sussex. Generally considered too surly a killer to be part of the
elite, Sir Killalot has never actually killed a fox and is a
confirmed Vegan who has taken part in several marches for PETA.
is has often been speculated, then, as to who knighted him, and doubt
cast upon their logic. As all Sir Killalot is known for is killing a
lot, and that one time he and Craig Charles went “fishing in
Jerusalem without baiting their rods”, it’s hard to imagine what
he was knighted for.
is inadvisable to make a spin-off show based around K9.
Adam Woodyatt once won a Celebrity Special of Robot
Wars, beating such
luminaries as Chris Eubank, Anthea Turner, Vic Reeves and 5ive.
is the point where we run all the above information through ourhighly sophisticated computer programto establish the victor. Youown your existence to such a program, so don't go getting all aggressive at it if you feel its done you a wrong.
Killalot stands ready and primed. Smooth action. An almost sexual
prowess for violence. It advances like a war of attrition.
At the controls, an unknown malevolent sentience. Who knows what
darkness lurks at the pneumatic heart of this, the darkest of dark
sits the pun and metal heavy robot dog. His snout gun, way in advance
of any technology that created Sir Killalot, is ready and poised.
Only Professor Marius' intentions were ultimately more benign than
whatever created Sir Killalot, albeit things went a bit wrong and the
Doctor and Leela ended up fighting a big prawn inside Tom Baker's
head of course.
immediately firing his nose-mounted laser, there, and Sir Killalot's
advance is halted. Or is it? No! You can see he is making
infinitessimalishly small increments of movement in a forwardly
direction, and within ten to twelve nano-fortnights may yet reach the
prissy, programmable pooch. Or can he hold out for the duration?
Killalot's raised his arm! Let's have a look at that in slow motion
and YES you can see there he clearly raises it upwards. I wonder what
affect that will have on the judges' verdict should it come to that?
Killalot is now within a yard of K9, and is starting to bring the arm
down - look, yes, there it goes - and...any second now...there's the
drill bit. Rotating and screwing and going around and around. Imagine
that, if you would, in the soft skull of a baby cow, mincing its
brains about. Unnecessary. Ashley Cole.
clock counts down, but is it to oblivion or obscurity? Certainly this
fight has been without merit in comparison to such legendary bouts
such as Razor versus Chaos 2, or Lord Sluttington versus Wang Pow
Thank you Mao.
batteries are exhausted. Sir Killalot is yet to make physical contact
with his opponent.
THE WINNER IS...
judges' ruling is final.K9 actually managed to strike his opponent,
and thus showed more aggression.Sir Killalot's nerdy yet eldritch
creators vowed to return and revenge themselves upon K9, who is
probably in need of a rebuild.
FIGHT! FIGHT! will return in:
It's like dancing only you don't miss.
you have any suggestions for who you'd like to see square go each
other in future FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! articles, please mention them