Monday, 8 October 2012

Thornton Reed vs Mr Tumnus


You know the drill. Two figures from Sci-Fi and Fantasy must fight. The outcome is determined by rigorous examination of their skills based on set criteria. If it helps, imagine you’re reading this bit like the scrolling credits on the Star Wars prequels, so the nostalgia compensates for the ensuing anti-climax.

Imagine: we find ourselves at the edge of a pit, watching, roaring and goading our two pugilists. The heaving crowd smells of sweat and anticipation. You’ve forced your way to the front, where bare-chested men thump their breasts and savour the cries of agony as fists fly again and again into a pulp of bone and blood. A spray of rich iron-tanged crimson dapples your mouth, eyes and nostrils. You inhale. 

Yes. 

YES.

You find yourself ripping at your clothes, smearing the blood across your forehead and screaming ‘FINISH HIM’ into the pit, dancing to the ancient tribal beat of violence, comradeship and throbbing primal lust. You don’t need inhibitions any more, only the righteous truth and power embodied by eating another creature’s heart and absorbing their consciousness. 

This is who you are now. 
 
EMBRACE IT.

It is at this point that you realise the other Ewoks are looking at you funny.

With that in mind, here are today’s fighters:


WHO THEY THEN?



  • Thornton Reed is Thornton Reed, a cigar chomping hospital administrator and ball buster. Despite the occasional dust up, he manages to keep his resident maverick genius – Dr Rick Dagless MD – in check. In his day he was a top surgeon, but then suffered in ‘Nam. He answers to Won Ton. For more information, please consult your DVD of Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace.


  • Mr Tumnus is a fawn with a little umbrella and some parcels. He’s kindly, meek, and plays a mean ambient woodwind solo. Despite occasional giggling, he manages to keep Lucy Pevensie in check. He answers to the White Witch. For more information, please consult The Chronicles of Narnia books written by Treebeard from Lord of the Rings. And also that film where James McAvoy made us all question our sexuality with some meek-hot fawnography.

THEY PACKING MUCH HEAT?


Thornton Reed has access to pump action shotguns, flamethrowers, kitchen equipment, fire extinguishers, monkey bastard hands, staplers, bicycles, and Doctor Sanchez’s flick knife.

Mr Tumnus has a flute.

Thornton Reed wins.

THEIR BACK: WHO HAS IT?


Reed has the raw fury of the Romford Constabulary a mere phone call away, as well as the medical expertise of Dagless, Sanchez, Liz, the Padre and a series of temps. Due to the hospital’s inter-dimensional portal to Hell, they are all seasoned veterans in the field of paranormal shenanigans. Dagless has personally saved the world several times, and has been described as more sensitive than several major deities.

Mr Tumnus is friends with talking beavers and a bunch of plucky young posh types including the most Susanny Susan who ever did Susan. Someone (not naming any names) gives them a magic sword. Then they meet the bloke from Taken dressed as a lion. What with his coming back from the dead, magic healing abilities, and providing a vital focal point for resistance against a powerful oppressor, Aslan is clearly an allegory for one of humanity's most influential figures.

Mr Tumnus wins.

NUANCES AND WHATNOT


Mr Tumnus has cloven hooves, a useful weapon in close quarter combat against a species with soft goolies. He is also, for a while, turned to stone in Captain Scarlet, The Witch and the Wardrobe but is rescued by the good Captain. This is probably for the best, as Thornton Reed now works in admin and therefore has access to a lot of paper, stone’s natural enemy.

Reed is a tough cucumber, but he has a sensitive side. It’s hard not to be moved by his reaction to his wife’s death. He is also an excellent singer. His vocal performance on ‘One Track Lover’ is essential listening for anyone with even a passing interest in the oft-neglected genre of Urban Loungecore. If this contest was a musical one, it is simply impossible to say who would prevail.

IT'S CLOBBERING TIME


This is the point where we run all the above information through our highly sophisticated computer program to establish the victor. Remember, this has been done by a computer, so it must be right.


Mr Tumnus is backed by an army of fantasy figures and children.

Thornton Reed has a shotgun.

The Pevensies fail to notice the piano hanging from a crane above them, and the first shot results in a group death in the key of B#, and a quip from Sanchez about that move being ‘the reverse orphan’. Aslan mauls him to death, but Liz distracts Aslan with her wiles, and corrupts him, allowing Dagless to beat him to death with a spade. Liz is dragged down to Hell by Sam Raimi.

Meanwhile, Reed has been busy.

When all that remains of Mr Tumnus is Peter Weller-esque collection of stumps, guts and splatter, Reed seizes the fawn’s severed legs and decides to invest in a rustic country pub called ‘Pan’s People’ using the limbs as an initially impressive emblem. However, the establishment soon closes due to allegations of an after-hours massage parlour and the public health risk resulting from the presence of rotting fawn legs above the threshold.

AND THE WINNER IS...


Thornton Reed



But the victory is a hollow one.


FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! will return, featuring:

Alan Tracy vs Wesley Crusher vs Adric
in
WORST. THREEWAY. EVER.

It's just too exciting for bowels.

If you have any suggestions for who you'd like to see square go each other in future FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! articles, please mention them below.

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