Monday, 15 October 2012

Alan Tracy vs Wesley Crusher vs Adric

Ever since the first recorded thought (‘Why don’t nice girls like me?’ - Pliny the Younger, 76 AD), the human imagination has devoted itself to new methods of combat (Pliny decided that being all aloof and aggressively weird was the best way to combat his personal conundrum).

Of course, Pliny oversaw the purest form of fighting: Mankind versus Nature. In the case of Mount Vesuvius and Pompeii, Nature won. Lots.

As the pyroclastic flow surged downwards on its destructive path (enveloping Herculaneum, the best named town in the history of everything), the men chained up in the gladiator school saw their doom and reflected on their lot. Archaeological excavation discovered cavities in the hardened lava shaped like the bodies that had once lain there. The Gladiators’ bodies were found weapons raised, knees bowed ready to surge forward.

Being confronted with their mortality by Mother Nature, their reaction was simple. If a cloud of superhot ask and smoke is going to attack us, we’re sure as hell going to attack it back.

Truly, these men were everything we should aspire to be.

I only made some of this up. Also I don’t really have a segue into this next bit:



WHO THEY THEN?


    • Alan Tracy is the youngest of the Tracy brothers. Their father, Jeff, used his wealth gained from space exploration (yeah, me neither) to build a secret international rescue organisation, piloting crafts called Thunderbirds to scenes of extreme peril. Alan gets to pilot spaceship Thunderbird 3, the lamest of the Thunderbirds (NB. The lamest Thunderbird is still mint). He appears in the TV series Thunderbirds. You might have worked that one out already.

 
 
    • Adric is an Alzarian maths geek/pick-pocket with fewer social skills than the pies he frequently eats when grief-nuanced fairy princesses try to dance with him. He appears in Doctor Who.


THEY PACKING MUCH HEAT?


Thunderbird 3, as anyone who spent many childhood hours staring at the cutaways in Thunderbirds annuals will know, is armed with missiles and all International Rescue field team members carry pistols designed to look like ray guns. Due to the brains of Brains the various vehicles they pilot are usually well equipped with all manner of rescue equipment and weaponry.


This is how I spent my childhood.

Starfleet’s got phasers and photon torpedoes and tractor beams and forcefields and that, because if you can’t sleep with aliens then the least you can do is bring about their searing heat death.



Adric has a badge for mathematical excellence.


Gold? GOLD (Always believe in your soul)

Adric can, at best, scratch the hull of the Enterprise very slightly with his badge’s terrifying golden edge. Alan can fire missiles harmlessly against the Enterprise’s force field, while they laser off his retros and catch Thunderbird 3 in a tractor beam.

Wesley Crusher wins.

THEIR BACK: WHO HAS IT?


Alan’s job is to rescue people in space. He also rescues people who are not in space (or ‘spaces’, as such areas are known). He has four brothers, a hyper-boffin, his dad, a member of the English aristocracy, her butler, his girlfriend, his girlfriend’s dad, and his gran to avenge him in the event of his being bested. Lady Penelope Crichton-Ward remained calm even when tied to a ladder in the path of a high speed train. This was partly because she’s British (we’re famously reasonable), but mainly because she had several hundred million dollars worth of rescue equipment and men in silly blue hats coming for her.

Wesley Crusher’s Mom is a Doctor, so if you hurt her son she could probably find some loopholes in the Hippocratic oath. He is also on a ship containing lots of people whose sole job is to die instead of the characters with 3 + lines of dialogue. There is also some correlation between the number of lines and a character’s ability to reach for their phaser in time.

Adric’s got the Fifth Doctor.

Alan Tracy wins.

NUANCES AND WHATNOT


Alan Tracy is the most lethal of his brothers, leading Gordon by three kills to one.

Wesley Crusher helped Jean Luc Picard overcome his morbid fear of children.

Adric has a habit of siding with enemies and then pretending it was a trick all along, which never convinces anyone.

Alan Tracy wins.

IT'S CLOBBERING TIME

This is the point where we run all the above information through our highly sophisticated computer program to establish the victor. Remember, this has been done by a computer, so it must be right.


Wesley and Adric talk about their favourite prime numbers for a bit (‘Mine’s five. Simple. Classic.’ ‘Really? I’ve always had a soft spot for seventy-three.’) while Alan takes half an hour to arrive at the fight. This is due to his insistence on arriving using a sofa that moves using a complex system of wheels and pullies.

When Alan arrives he sees that the others have started without him and goes into a sulk, failing to notice a ravine despite Adric’s warning for him to ‘mind the gap’. While International Rescue are busy saving him, Adric and Wesley discuss their hopes and dreams, before Wesley is beamed back on board the Enterprise. They have a problem that only he can solve using the special powers granted to him by Science-Fiction writers' wish fulfilment.

Adric waits for the TARDIS to pick him up from the quarry they inevitably found themselves in, and draws logarithms in the sand.

AND THE WINNER IS...


Adric


Everyone’s fifth favourite Alzarian lives to fight another day.


FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! will return, featuring:

Jigglypuff vs Rorschach

Because bleeding from your face is sexy now.

If you have any suggestions for who you'd like to see square go each other in future FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! articles, please mention them below.

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