Monday, 29 October 2012

Jubei vs Tetsuo

This week's FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! was written by Jim Taylor.
 
At the very edge of sanity, morality and acceptable social conduct...

Where the crowds bay for blood and a man is only as good as his steel or telekinetic abilities...lies the arena. 

Here, the weak shall be wiped from existence and the strong shall bathe in the entrails of their vanquished foes. 

 Welcome, dear friends. 

 Welcome to the fight.

Witness the poetic tapestry of violence as two combatants collide in a pure expression of wanton destruction soundtracked by the screams of the dying, and with special effects courtesy of the human circulatory system. 

 In the depths of that hypnotic frenzy, nothing matters but the kill - the ultimate victory of one being over another, the last word which remains forever unanswered. 

One shall win, and one shall die...such are the hallowed rules of combat, as old as time itself.

Who stands before us here today, ready to plunge forth into the crimson horror of unrestrained butchery and pitiless slaughter?

Two Titans of Japanese animé step forth, and the crowd holds its breath...

WHO THEY THEN?


    Kibagami Jubei is a lone ninja wandering the rural pathways of feudal Japan. A man of many faces, his sardonic and wisecracking persona hides both a caring and compassionate disposition and an extensive set of deadly fighting skills. Not even the Eight Devils of Kimon could defeat him! For more information, please consult Yoshiaki Kawajiri's 1993 animé Ninja Scroll, and follow-up TV show Ninja Scroll: The Series.

 
    Tetsuo Shima was once a just a lowly biker with an inferiority complex, and had nothing better to do than engage in occasional gang warfare on the mean streets of Neo-Tokyo. His manifestation of latent psionic powers led to a new line in megalomania and casual mass murder, with devastating consequences for anyone within a twenty-mile radius. Do not irk him. Irking him would be bad. For more information, please consult Katsuhiro Otomo's manga Akira, and the 1988 animé of the same name.
     

THEY PACKING MUCH HEAT?


Tetsuo's telekinetic abilities, though often beyond his control, are vast and frighteningly powerful, having been used in the past to flatten tanks into scrap metal and turn armed soldiers into scarlet wallpaper. In light of this, he eschews conventional weaponry.

Jubei, in addition to being an accomplished hand-to-hand combatant, carries a magic sword that can cut people without even touching them! Seriously, this one time, he took a guy's leg off from about a hundred metres away whilst hiding underwater. No joke. Also, he once literally head-butted someone into the ground.

This one's too close to call.

THEIR BACK: WHO HAS IT?


Jubei takes the whole 'lone wolf' thing pretty seriously; after being betrayed by your former master and being forced to kill all your friends, you might find yourself with a few trust issues, too. As such, in the absence of any local farmers to win over with his good deeds, Jubei fights alone.

Tetsuo was once a member of the Capsules, one of Neo-Tokyo's premier biker gangs. Unfortunately, since manifesting his powers he's managed to either kill or alienate every one of his former friends. Tetsuo's never alone, though; the Neo-Tokyo military dog his every step, sacrificing ever more men and resources in a seemingly suicidal attempt to bring him down. Their presence could complicate matters.

One lone wolf against another, with a military bombardment complicating what should be a simple face-off. Tetsuo edges it, due to the possibility of 'friendly fire'.

 

NUANCES AND WHATNOT


Tetsuo is a bit of a whinger, and given to petulant tantrums whenever he thinks that people are making fun of him. Latterly, these tantrums have taken on an extra telekinetic dimension, and now frequently result in multiple deaths and billions of dollars' worth of property damage. This lack of focus means that Tetsuo can easily lose control of his abilities, and end up transforming into a hideous bio-mechanical mass of teen angst. This, continuing the non-irking theme, is not good news for anyone.

Jubei's obsessive compulsion to react to everything that happens to him with sarcasm will one day be his undoing. Not treating life-threatening situations with the seriousness they deserve can get you poisoned, stabbed and/or strangled. These are all things that have happened to Jubei (he's a tough one), not necessarily as a direct result of his sarcasm, but let's chalk it up to karma. His tendency to follow up his wisecracks with swift, brutal sword-violence does, however, stand him in good stead.

IT'S CLOBBERING TIME

 

This is the point where we run all the above information through our highly sophisticated computer program to establish the victor. Remember, this has been done by a computer, and Skynet are already working in close proximity to Mark Zuckerberg.

 

 

Tetsuo's angsty proclamations of superiority upon entering the arena prove to be a source of much amusement to Jubei, and the ninja's smirking goads Tetsuo into unleashing a powerful blast of psionic energy, while he shrieks “Stop laughing at me!” like the petulant little windbag that he is. 

Jubei is thrown high into the air and lands dazed, but recovers quickly and uses his magic sword to take off Tetsuo's legs at the knee joints, despite standing approximately two hundred metres away from him at the time. With a howl of rage, pain and frustration, the teenaged telekinetic cobbles together a new pair of (barely functioning) limbs using nearby pieces of wood, metal and stone, and steadies himself to launch another attack.

By now, Jubei has decided that the key to victory might well be winding up Tetsuo until he loses control, and so starts cracking wise about the younger man's annoyingly whiny voice and general social awkwardness. Jubei's ill-advised ribbing gives the enraged Tetsuo time to gather his strength for a lethal psychic blast, but the ninja is saved in the nick of time by the actions of the Neo-Tokyo military, who, having tracked Tetsuo to the arena, activate their satellite laser weapon and reduce the entire structure to a smoking rumble.

Both combatants survive the blast, but Tetsuo, overwhelmed by the loss of his legs and Jubei's endless jibes, finally loses control and involuntarily transforms into a bloated, faceless mass of flesh and fluids, spreading across the ruin of the arena floor like a lumpy tidal wave of congealed Pepto-Bismol. 

Quick as a flash (the lighting kind, not the 'Oh look there's a willy' kind), Jubei seizes his chance, and leaps from mound to fleshy mound of the seething, mutated horror, hacking and slashing as he goes. Though it continually threatens to overwhelm and consume him, the lone ninja slices ceaselessly through the rubbery folds of the behemoth that was Tetsuo, cutting it slowly to ribbons. Before long, the ground is completely covered in a substance similar to liquefied bubblegum, and the military science vehicles have arrived to dissect whatever is left of Tetsuo and put him into cold storage. 

Jubei makes good his escape, before anyone has the chance to question how a Eighteenth century ninja and a Twenty-first century telekinetic managed to be in the same place at the same time. I'm guessing it was something to do with tachyons. 

 

AND THE WINNER IS...

  Kibagami Jubei

There he goes.


FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! will return, featuring:

Spider Jerusalem vs Raoul Duke

Violence is the new Brylcreem.

If you have any suggestions for who you'd like to see square go each other in future FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! articles, please mention them below.

Monday, 22 October 2012

Jigglypuff vs Rorschach


Your partner looks at you disparagingly.

Sigh.

'Look at this piece of tepid excrement slaloming its way down a chunder-laden toboggan run into a valley of leaking batteries, dead dogs and ambiguously moist rubber objects', they seem to say with their eyes.

Sigh.

Madame Fate and her five wicked daughters decide to pay you a visit at this point, and bestow unto you a hermaphrodite juggernaut of wanton sexual prowess.

'Hey baby,' it says to your partner, 'Sexy sexy sex times?'

At which point you scream so hard you have to use hidden muscles in your pelvis to stop your lungs from imploding, grab this adonis by the abs and throw their spine across your knee like a careless grandfather. As you scream reprimands into their face you feel a caress across your shoulder blades, and the anger leaves you. All is well.

Sometimes, sighing wistfully is not enough. 

On these occasions it is time for 
FIGHTING.


WHO THEY THEN?

Jigglypuff is a small pink blob with a hipster haircut and smug blue eyes, like it knows something. Like other round pink inflating monsters with big eyes willies etc. etc.

It first appeared in Pokemon:Red and Blue, and now appears in manga, anime, computer games, comics, and the live action stage show Pokemon Live!

In other news, God is getting more ineffable. 

 
Rorschach is a masked vigilante driven by anger, who lives by an absolute, black and white vision of morality. If you commit a crime, any crime, he will consider you worthy of violent punishment.


Possibly the closest American comics ever got to acknowledging what kind of person would probably become a masked superhero, albeit delivered by a bloke from Northampton, Rorschach's moral code is so absolute he would rather die than compromise it. 
 
He first appeared in the comic Watchmen.

THEY PACKING MUCH HEAT?


Jigglypuff can detect and sing at the exact frequency that produces sleep, using his big wide eyes and excellent voice to lull you off into the land of Nod (aka TEH PHANTASMAGORIKLE REALM OF SLEEPZEH). Then, if Super Smash Brothers is anything to go by, he will push you off a tall building in the style of a total dickhead.

Rorschach tends to take whatever's to hand, but is a physically strong and resourceful opponent who can and will simply grab you and smack your head off a wall until your face is like a shoddy, quarry-coloured Lego replica of itself.

We have a tie. As in a draw. I'm not just showing off that I own a tie.

THEIR BACK: WHO HAS IT?


Jigglypuff tends to fight alone, and if their target is resistant to mellifluous rohyphynol then they will probably just asphyxiate and die. Not that the makers of Super SmashBrothers ever took this into account, oh no.

Rorschach formed a formidable crime-fighting duo with Nite-Owl, before he went all soft and flacciliberal. After that he became something of a Lone Wolf.

(I am also a Lone Wolf. I have been accused of doing this only to pick up chicks, but clearly this would defeat the point of being a lone wolf)

When it comes to the deaths of a few against the deaths of many, Rorschach refuses to adhere to an 'ends justifying the means' ideology and distances himself further from his former crime-fighting partners.

This one is a tie too. Gosh, it's almost exciting this isn't it?

 

NUANCES AND WHATNOT


Jigglypuff evolves from Igglypuff when Igglypuff reaches a certain point of happiness, and evolves into Wigglypuff when exposed to a certain item. This last issue is problematic because it ignores the smooth alphabetical progression of the Iggly/Jiggly evolving and bypasses Kigglypuff, Ligglybuff, Migglytuff, Nigglycuff, Oigglywuff, Pigglypuff, Quigglyxuff, Rigglyvuff, Sigglyzuff, Tigglyguff, Uigglyruff, and Vigglyquff.

There will doubtless be a BBC 3 documentary on your screens soon regarding Creationists reaction to this hard evidence of evolution.

Rorschach has ginger hair, and therefore treads the thin dividing line between terror and sex-appeal. In some ways he's the greatest superhero who ever existed. In other ways it is understandable that small children do not dress up as him for Halloween.

IT'S CLOBBERING TIME

 

This is the point where we run all the above information through our highly sophisticated computer program to establish the victor. Remember, this has been done by a computer, so if you disagree with it tiny robots will come into your house in the night and make your nipples slightly smaller/larger (they call it like they see it).

 



Finding themselves on the Temple Stage, Jigglypuff initially has the upper hand due to his familiarity with the setting and his experience in jumping through the air despite not having any surfaces to jump against. Rorschach is understandably peeved at this chain of events, and falls to his doom.

He returns on a cloud and takes stock of his situation.

Jigglypuff searches for his quarry, smiling and shouting 'Jigglypuff!' as he jumps around like a little happy bellend that has somehow fallen off someone's penis, discovered Instagram and concocted a misplaced notion of their own importance.

It is during a particularly conceited burble of its own name that Rorschach strikes. After some subtle questioning to determine her moral status, he breaks Samus Aran's spine across his knee and drains her suit of all flammable liquids, which he mixes in Aran's helmet, lights, and pours on Jigglypuff.

The ensuing song that escapes from the scalded mass of marsmallow-esque wide-eyed is one of such all pervading horror that Mario is unable to reach for a wrench (with which to beat himself until he is unable to sense the unmitigated nightmare that has enveloped him) because his eyes have melted and his ears have turned themselves inside out. Link is convinced, as he removes his sword from his stomach, that he can see ink black demon-spawn of Ganon escaping the wound. Donkey Kong kills himself eventually, but you really don't want to know how.

Jigglypuff finishes it song of such despair, pain and bleakness as to send everyone into paroxisms of insanity, dragging them face first into the chasm and where an eternity of isolation awaits them: locked in an empty mansion with only a scrapbook of all their wrongs to comfort them, each page only able to be turned over with a mixture of blood, tears and milk.

Rorschach, who has put on his walkman and is listening to Barry Manilow, walks over to what now resembles a desolate burning testicle, and kicks Jigglypuff really hard in the face, killing him.

Time runs out. The fight is over.

AND THE WINNER IS...

 Jigglypuff 


Based on the rules of Super Smash Brothers, Jigglypuff did the most damage and died the same number of times as Rorschach, so Jigglypuff wins.


FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! will return, featuring:

Jubei vs Tetsuo

There's always time to bleed.

If you have any suggestions for who you'd like to see square go each other in future FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! articles, please mention them below.

Monday, 15 October 2012

Alan Tracy vs Wesley Crusher vs Adric

Ever since the first recorded thought (‘Why don’t nice girls like me?’ - Pliny the Younger, 76 AD), the human imagination has devoted itself to new methods of combat (Pliny decided that being all aloof and aggressively weird was the best way to combat his personal conundrum).

Of course, Pliny oversaw the purest form of fighting: Mankind versus Nature. In the case of Mount Vesuvius and Pompeii, Nature won. Lots.

As the pyroclastic flow surged downwards on its destructive path (enveloping Herculaneum, the best named town in the history of everything), the men chained up in the gladiator school saw their doom and reflected on their lot. Archaeological excavation discovered cavities in the hardened lava shaped like the bodies that had once lain there. The Gladiators’ bodies were found weapons raised, knees bowed ready to surge forward.

Being confronted with their mortality by Mother Nature, their reaction was simple. If a cloud of superhot ask and smoke is going to attack us, we’re sure as hell going to attack it back.

Truly, these men were everything we should aspire to be.

I only made some of this up. Also I don’t really have a segue into this next bit:



WHO THEY THEN?


    • Alan Tracy is the youngest of the Tracy brothers. Their father, Jeff, used his wealth gained from space exploration (yeah, me neither) to build a secret international rescue organisation, piloting crafts called Thunderbirds to scenes of extreme peril. Alan gets to pilot spaceship Thunderbird 3, the lamest of the Thunderbirds (NB. The lamest Thunderbird is still mint). He appears in the TV series Thunderbirds. You might have worked that one out already.

 
 
    • Adric is an Alzarian maths geek/pick-pocket with fewer social skills than the pies he frequently eats when grief-nuanced fairy princesses try to dance with him. He appears in Doctor Who.


THEY PACKING MUCH HEAT?


Thunderbird 3, as anyone who spent many childhood hours staring at the cutaways in Thunderbirds annuals will know, is armed with missiles and all International Rescue field team members carry pistols designed to look like ray guns. Due to the brains of Brains the various vehicles they pilot are usually well equipped with all manner of rescue equipment and weaponry.


This is how I spent my childhood.

Starfleet’s got phasers and photon torpedoes and tractor beams and forcefields and that, because if you can’t sleep with aliens then the least you can do is bring about their searing heat death.



Adric has a badge for mathematical excellence.


Gold? GOLD (Always believe in your soul)

Adric can, at best, scratch the hull of the Enterprise very slightly with his badge’s terrifying golden edge. Alan can fire missiles harmlessly against the Enterprise’s force field, while they laser off his retros and catch Thunderbird 3 in a tractor beam.

Wesley Crusher wins.

THEIR BACK: WHO HAS IT?


Alan’s job is to rescue people in space. He also rescues people who are not in space (or ‘spaces’, as such areas are known). He has four brothers, a hyper-boffin, his dad, a member of the English aristocracy, her butler, his girlfriend, his girlfriend’s dad, and his gran to avenge him in the event of his being bested. Lady Penelope Crichton-Ward remained calm even when tied to a ladder in the path of a high speed train. This was partly because she’s British (we’re famously reasonable), but mainly because she had several hundred million dollars worth of rescue equipment and men in silly blue hats coming for her.

Wesley Crusher’s Mom is a Doctor, so if you hurt her son she could probably find some loopholes in the Hippocratic oath. He is also on a ship containing lots of people whose sole job is to die instead of the characters with 3 + lines of dialogue. There is also some correlation between the number of lines and a character’s ability to reach for their phaser in time.

Adric’s got the Fifth Doctor.

Alan Tracy wins.

NUANCES AND WHATNOT


Alan Tracy is the most lethal of his brothers, leading Gordon by three kills to one.

Wesley Crusher helped Jean Luc Picard overcome his morbid fear of children.

Adric has a habit of siding with enemies and then pretending it was a trick all along, which never convinces anyone.

Alan Tracy wins.

IT'S CLOBBERING TIME

This is the point where we run all the above information through our highly sophisticated computer program to establish the victor. Remember, this has been done by a computer, so it must be right.


Wesley and Adric talk about their favourite prime numbers for a bit (‘Mine’s five. Simple. Classic.’ ‘Really? I’ve always had a soft spot for seventy-three.’) while Alan takes half an hour to arrive at the fight. This is due to his insistence on arriving using a sofa that moves using a complex system of wheels and pullies.

When Alan arrives he sees that the others have started without him and goes into a sulk, failing to notice a ravine despite Adric’s warning for him to ‘mind the gap’. While International Rescue are busy saving him, Adric and Wesley discuss their hopes and dreams, before Wesley is beamed back on board the Enterprise. They have a problem that only he can solve using the special powers granted to him by Science-Fiction writers' wish fulfilment.

Adric waits for the TARDIS to pick him up from the quarry they inevitably found themselves in, and draws logarithms in the sand.

AND THE WINNER IS...


Adric


Everyone’s fifth favourite Alzarian lives to fight another day.


FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! will return, featuring:

Jigglypuff vs Rorschach

Because bleeding from your face is sexy now.

If you have any suggestions for who you'd like to see square go each other in future FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! articles, please mention them below.

Monday, 8 October 2012

Thornton Reed vs Mr Tumnus


You know the drill. Two figures from Sci-Fi and Fantasy must fight. The outcome is determined by rigorous examination of their skills based on set criteria. If it helps, imagine you’re reading this bit like the scrolling credits on the Star Wars prequels, so the nostalgia compensates for the ensuing anti-climax.

Imagine: we find ourselves at the edge of a pit, watching, roaring and goading our two pugilists. The heaving crowd smells of sweat and anticipation. You’ve forced your way to the front, where bare-chested men thump their breasts and savour the cries of agony as fists fly again and again into a pulp of bone and blood. A spray of rich iron-tanged crimson dapples your mouth, eyes and nostrils. You inhale. 

Yes. 

YES.

You find yourself ripping at your clothes, smearing the blood across your forehead and screaming ‘FINISH HIM’ into the pit, dancing to the ancient tribal beat of violence, comradeship and throbbing primal lust. You don’t need inhibitions any more, only the righteous truth and power embodied by eating another creature’s heart and absorbing their consciousness. 

This is who you are now. 
 
EMBRACE IT.

It is at this point that you realise the other Ewoks are looking at you funny.

With that in mind, here are today’s fighters:


WHO THEY THEN?



  • Thornton Reed is Thornton Reed, a cigar chomping hospital administrator and ball buster. Despite the occasional dust up, he manages to keep his resident maverick genius – Dr Rick Dagless MD – in check. In his day he was a top surgeon, but then suffered in ‘Nam. He answers to Won Ton. For more information, please consult your DVD of Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace.


  • Mr Tumnus is a fawn with a little umbrella and some parcels. He’s kindly, meek, and plays a mean ambient woodwind solo. Despite occasional giggling, he manages to keep Lucy Pevensie in check. He answers to the White Witch. For more information, please consult The Chronicles of Narnia books written by Treebeard from Lord of the Rings. And also that film where James McAvoy made us all question our sexuality with some meek-hot fawnography.

THEY PACKING MUCH HEAT?


Thornton Reed has access to pump action shotguns, flamethrowers, kitchen equipment, fire extinguishers, monkey bastard hands, staplers, bicycles, and Doctor Sanchez’s flick knife.

Mr Tumnus has a flute.

Thornton Reed wins.

THEIR BACK: WHO HAS IT?


Reed has the raw fury of the Romford Constabulary a mere phone call away, as well as the medical expertise of Dagless, Sanchez, Liz, the Padre and a series of temps. Due to the hospital’s inter-dimensional portal to Hell, they are all seasoned veterans in the field of paranormal shenanigans. Dagless has personally saved the world several times, and has been described as more sensitive than several major deities.

Mr Tumnus is friends with talking beavers and a bunch of plucky young posh types including the most Susanny Susan who ever did Susan. Someone (not naming any names) gives them a magic sword. Then they meet the bloke from Taken dressed as a lion. What with his coming back from the dead, magic healing abilities, and providing a vital focal point for resistance against a powerful oppressor, Aslan is clearly an allegory for one of humanity's most influential figures.

Mr Tumnus wins.

NUANCES AND WHATNOT


Mr Tumnus has cloven hooves, a useful weapon in close quarter combat against a species with soft goolies. He is also, for a while, turned to stone in Captain Scarlet, The Witch and the Wardrobe but is rescued by the good Captain. This is probably for the best, as Thornton Reed now works in admin and therefore has access to a lot of paper, stone’s natural enemy.

Reed is a tough cucumber, but he has a sensitive side. It’s hard not to be moved by his reaction to his wife’s death. He is also an excellent singer. His vocal performance on ‘One Track Lover’ is essential listening for anyone with even a passing interest in the oft-neglected genre of Urban Loungecore. If this contest was a musical one, it is simply impossible to say who would prevail.

IT'S CLOBBERING TIME


This is the point where we run all the above information through our highly sophisticated computer program to establish the victor. Remember, this has been done by a computer, so it must be right.


Mr Tumnus is backed by an army of fantasy figures and children.

Thornton Reed has a shotgun.

The Pevensies fail to notice the piano hanging from a crane above them, and the first shot results in a group death in the key of B#, and a quip from Sanchez about that move being ‘the reverse orphan’. Aslan mauls him to death, but Liz distracts Aslan with her wiles, and corrupts him, allowing Dagless to beat him to death with a spade. Liz is dragged down to Hell by Sam Raimi.

Meanwhile, Reed has been busy.

When all that remains of Mr Tumnus is Peter Weller-esque collection of stumps, guts and splatter, Reed seizes the fawn’s severed legs and decides to invest in a rustic country pub called ‘Pan’s People’ using the limbs as an initially impressive emblem. However, the establishment soon closes due to allegations of an after-hours massage parlour and the public health risk resulting from the presence of rotting fawn legs above the threshold.

AND THE WINNER IS...


Thornton Reed



But the victory is a hollow one.


FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! will return, featuring:

Alan Tracy vs Wesley Crusher vs Adric
in
WORST. THREEWAY. EVER.

It's just too exciting for bowels.

If you have any suggestions for who you'd like to see square go each other in future FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! articles, please mention them below.