Sunday, 30 September 2012

Colonel White vs Nick Fury

WHO THEY THEN?



  • Colonel White is the codename of Charles Grey, a former marine and stiff upper lipped Englishman. He sits behind a desk and says level-headed things in an endearingly pompous way as part of his job as commander-in-chief of Spectrum, the international peacekeeping force.

He is a badarse.



  • Nick Fury is many people. There's even more than one that looks like Samuel L. Jackson. Let's assume it's one of them. At any rate, he starts off as a World War Two soldier and ends up in charge of S.H.I.E.L.D, the international peacekeeping force.

He is a badass.

THEY PACKING MUCH HEAT?


Yes. Both are in charge of multinational organisations engaged in protecting the Earth from all manner of threats (both alien and human) and stuffed to the gills with staff, tech and things that make you go BOOM. Both have seen combat. In Gerry Anderson's New Captain Scarlet White is a former marine who fences as a hobby, and Fury is a soldier in every incarnation.


Generally though, Colonel White gives orders, and isn't seen in combat himself. Fury, on the other hand, is an 'Ask questions while shooting' kinda guy. In a straight fight between them Fury would almost certainly triumph.

THEIR BACK: WHO HAS IT?


Everyone involved here has a helicarrier. The question is surely which helicarrier is better. The S.H.I.E.L.D helicarrier is an excellent example of what a bloated military budget can buy you. Cloudbase gives off more of a United Nations 'Yeah, we've got a base in the sky, what of it?' vibe. One has some military helicopters and aircraft piloted by anonymous grunts, the other has the Angel Interceptors, and thus given its name to an early Ash single. Cloudbase wins. Hard.

S.H.I.E.L.D has a larger supply of red shirts than Spectrum, but Spectrum has the ultimate red shirt; one man fate has made indestructible. His name? Paul. But most people call him Captain Scarlet.

Nick Fury, however, has Marvel Superheroes. Captain Britain has already died four times today. They have this whole 'dying and coming back to life thing' sewn up. None of them, however, were ever Mysteronised. Mysteronisation is - and I'm using a highly technical term here - way cool. When superheroes come back from the dead, people rarely comment on how cool it is, probably because of the lack of creepy music and green circles.

What Spectrum lacks in superheroes, it makes up for in hyper-impressive vehicles and unsurpassed segue music. Plus Captain Magenta is an Irish safecracker. You don't get any of those in the Avengers.

However, due to the sheer number of expendable nameless staff members on the side of S.H.I.E.L.D, I call this one a tie.

NUANCES AND WHATNOT


Mark Millar and Brian Hitch famously modelled Fury on Samuel L. Jackson in The Ultimates, the character having previously been an Italian-American. Upon learning this, Jackson entered into negotiations to star in the role. As Fury, Jackson spends much of his time loitering in post-credit sequences waiting for Tony Stark to turn up.

Colonel White was voiced by Donald Grey. Grey lost an arm in World War Two, and also voiced Captain Black and the Mysterons. His voice is therefore reassuring yet deeply sinister. Colonel White doesn't appear in post-credit sequences. If you were late for an entire episode then you can bet he'd damn well have something to say about that.

Colonel White has also never been played by David Hasselhoff.

Colonel White wins.

IT'S CLOBBERING TIME


This is the point where we run all the above information through our highly sophisticated computer program to establish the victor. Remember, this has been done by a computer, so it must be right.


Mano-a-mano, Nick Fury should win this hands down. He's got superheroes and sometimes he gets out from behind his desk and everything. But Colonel White's desk revolves, and Fury hasn't got a full field of vision. This enrages him as White moves from side to side, mocking his little eye patch.

Then on Colonel White's orders, Lieutenant Green sneaks up behind Fury and places a Spectrum hat on his head. Fury punches him, and then admires his new headgear in the mirror. He forces White to show him how to lower the little microphone piece, which unfortunately has been coated with chloroform and LSD.

Fury goes a bit bibble. Colonel White wins. From his position on the floor, the Lieutenant makes a weak pun around the phrase 'Spectrum is Green', and then gets rushed to sick bay to see Doctor Fawn.

Captain Blue and Captain America walk in, swapping baseball stories and drinking Goose Island IPA in a desperate attempt to countradict stereotypes about American beer.

AND THE WINNER IS...


Colonel White 

Let the celebrations begin.

I think this victory should be celebrated with the same fervour as a British gold medal at the Olympics. The Daily Mail can ignore the part played by Lieutenant Green and proclaim multiculturalism a failure, and then folk can have a go at them on Twitter. I will be in this toilet cubicle, singing 'The Circle of Life' and trying to find my trousers.
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Tune in next time when the contestants on FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! will be:


Thornton Reed vs Mr Tumnus


A Ball Buster vs Hardcore Fawnography